Cold Fish, Part 2

My own response to the idea that women don’t enjoy/want/desire sex: it is unfathomable how this idea perpetuates. This idea was stated as fact--women want less sex than men--in multiple sources, including this NYT article. It is stated that 30% of women suffer from a lack of sexual desire or levels of sexual desire lower than the norm. Most times, the discussion then moves directly to a description of hopes on the horizon of drugs that will be the female equivalent of Viagra; never mind the fact that Viagra works to create and maintain an erection only, not bolster a flagging desire.

Women are seen as asexual creatures and men are seen as hypersexual creatures. In my limited experience, and that of my circle of friends, this does not bear out. I know many women who want sex, and seem to want it more than their male counterparts. The idea itself is nonsensical on a biological level. How does that help the continuation of the species? Surely the female experiences the same level of desire.

In my opinion, it is the continuation of the Madonna/whore complex and the focus on male desire that leads to a lack of sexual response in women. Women still feel pressured to deny their sexuality. I’ve discovered a group of Vixens who I can be frank about sexuality with, but in other situations, and other groups of women, to admit to being highly sexual is still a bit scandalous and embarrassing. So I’m not at all sure that groups of women, when confronted with a poll regarding their sexual desire will be answering honestly. Sorry, girls.

Secondly, Cosmo tells these women that they should be focused on “blowing his mind” or a little further south. Discussions of improving the female experience of sex are few and far between. I’m sure a lot of women are experiencing the backlash from this kind of focus. Men are expecting to have their minds blown, while women are experiencing sex for pleasure, but not expected to experience the kind of pleasure their partners are experiencing.

The symptoms of this kind of behavior is easy to see. Increasingly, women are relying on sex toys in the bedroom to get theirs. I’ve heard the statistics, something like 70% of women cannot reach orgasm without a little technological assistance or direct stimulation of the clitoris. It could be expected that with this information readily available, that men would be incorporating direct clitoral stimulation to make sure that their bedmates get theirs. I’m sure there are some, but it seems to be far from common. It seems the male fantasy of bringing a woman through the power of the penis alone is dominating the bedroom, leaving large portions of the female population to either fake it, or reassure the men in their lives that they just enjoy the physical sensations and that release isn’t that important.

And true, female sexuality can be a tricky thing. It’s ever-changing, and there is never going to be the strategy that works for every woman, or even the same woman every time. Also true, the physical sensation and intimacy is enough, even when an orgasm isn’t a part of sex. But instead of jumping to these conclusions about cold women and how they need medication, had they considered foreplay? I mean, honestly.