The Pool Party

My friends bought a new house with a pool. I thought it was exciting and I was excited when they asked me over to swim. I love to swim in a home pool because I worked at a public pool and saw how gross people can be. They said “come over for some cards and swimming”. So, loaded up my 12 pack of Miller Lite, suit and some towels and headed over to their house.
I knew there would be another couple there to play cards and it would be an overall good time. They were making Jell-O Shots? Who can resist?
We started out playing a few rounds of Asshole and have a few shots. I really want to swim so we all head out to the pool. We take our drinks with us.
As we are swimming, all of us run out of drinks. The boys take turns refilling. The owners were concerned about everyone jumping out of the pool to pee. Next think I know, no one is swimming any longer but all of the couples have paired off. Now, I am alone, the water is getting colder and very aware of the vicious pairing off. So, might as well some water aerobics and stretch out. I swim toward the stairs and I am trying to decide if I should go home or not. All of the couples had retired to the jets around the pool.
I get to stairs and I notice a non alcoholic bottle. After closer examination, I see it is an industrial size bottle of lube. OMG! WTF is that….and why is it on the edge of the pool? One of the guys from the couples swims up and says “Can we have the stairs?”
“yes. It is too cold to stay in the water…” I got up, went inside, put on my cover up and left without saying goodbye.
So, the when I saw them again, the guy who asked for the stairs told me that it was a *test* to see what I would do. It was a test I was happy to fail. Then, he proceeded to tell me that if he had met me first, we would be married. I felt sorrier for my friend for being married to him and thinking that I would not want to be married to him! I knew he was trying to seduce me to become a 5th in their foursome!

hotenoughtoswingwith.com

Um, yea...so, again, I was approached by a married couple to participate in multiple partner party. Yes, I was invited to be a 5th. Not a 5th of whiskey…a 5th person in a party of already 4 persons. I know I should take it as a compliment…however; I am very icked out over the whole thing. I have known one of the players since I was 12. I cannot believe it. I know after 8 years of being married, 2 kids, a couple of mortgages, your sex life might get dull. BUT, just because I am *single* doesn’t mean I want to participate and spice up your sex life. Thanks. I am glad you guys are so hot for each other and you want other s to share in your *experiences* however, um, yea, I would like to do one-on-one for a while before I tread down that path...But, hey, more power to you if you want to do that...I just don’t need to know or to be invited...but I am flattered that the four of you think I am hot enough to join in and spice it up! LOL! J

Weddings...

To lighten up the mood...and my views of "the Debate"
I have been to and in a few in my time but one thing I can never understand is why people leave an open ar and a half way decent DJ? I could see sometimes they have a sh!tty a$$ DJ and it is dull. Or, the bar may been too expensive, aka, Gaillardia that had $7 domestic beers, $12 mixed drinks and the sh!ttiest tasting champagne…no chance of me getting drunk there…it should have said BYO-Flask on the invitation.) Anyway, the last 2 weddings I went to this summer had open bars and good DJs. People left after the cake. LEFT. Half of the crowd was gone. I couldn’t believe it. An open bar and a good DJ. Of course, these weren’t my college girls who are half alcoholics and pub crawl for charity…but still. What a waste of a DJ! Just plug in your MP3 player, get a couple dozen cupcakes from Wal-Mart and call it a day.
I will have to say the best wedding I went to was my cousin’s in Europe. The wedding lasted until 7 AM. Don’t worry, I represented the American’s and stayed until 7am. They went through over 150 liters of wine and there were only 50 people in attendance. It was great. The 2 weddings this summer were well planned very well, however, the guests were sh!tty because they left so early!  I know the next one in November in New Orleans will trump all of the ones from this summer.
When I RSVP, I RSVP to have a good time by drinking and dancing where ever I am! LOL!  I should be a professional wedding guest. LOL! OH, and I give a great toast, too. 

Blue in a Red State

To quote some comments on a blog that's countering disputes over Obama's Christianity:

"The thing I have against him is that he does not believe in the flag. How can you run our country and not believe in the flag. The flag has had many of our nations people's blood spilled over it to preserve it. The moment we elect someone whom does not care about it how can we call ourselves americans."

"Whether he is a Christian or not is inconsequential. He sat for twenty years and listened to Rev. Wright spew out rhetoric, bash America and white people. It wasn't until all of that became public that Obama denounced his allegiance to Rev. Wright. After the Rev. married he and Michelle, and baptized his two children. Would you attend a church for twenty years led by a man you didn't agree with his core principles????"

And a friend's comment on some local events:

"Did you see on the news the other night that some people got their Obama signs vandalized?? The same thing happened to my sister's house. Hers was spray painted and even shot at with a gun. The fact that someone would do such a thing to someone elses property and shoot a gun where people live breaks my heart."

*****************************************************************************

Come on, guys. Calm down. Get your facts straight. And for those of you vandalizing signs, stop. It's silly, and makes you look ridiculous.

For me personally, since I heard about Obama on NPR a few years ago I've really liked him. I was impressed, and that feeling's only grown with time. It's not that I don't like McCain. I admire the guy...he's got an amazing story. But I stronly adhere to Obama's ideals.

The things that I've wanted for this country, for myself and for my little sister and brother have been prohibited for years. It's just been a crescendo of deterioration. Before GWB I trusted the presidency and had respect for the executive branch. Then one day I realized that I automatically assume that everything that comes out of the executive branch has an agenda that I don't trust. I can't help it...it's shirked its own dignity with its persistent opacity.

When government actions or in-actions affect my own personal daily life in ways so frustrating, so negative and sometimes so profoundly, it becomes important to really study these candidates and come to a confident understanding of which one will be the best to "turn the country around," as they say. I don't want my sister to live in a world where I struggled so hard for my dreams, but didn't achieve them. I know my lack of success is due to the affects of the GWB administration's time in office.

When I graduated with my BA, I graduated into the beginnings of a rapidly worsening economy. I was the only one in my family who managed to get a job. My dad, mom, sister and brother...all four adults, and my parents both well educated....they reminded me of the Joads, standing around wondering how to save themselves. I prepared myself to take care of them on my little salary, because they're my family.

I was okay with McCain. I didn't prefer him for president, but he wasn't too awfully bad. But then I saw the RNC.

I think depressing

Just a minor update, I'm sure it is nothing to worry about. The biggest bank collapse evah happened while we were sleeping last night.

Everybody Panic!

Outrage or Depression?

Which is the more appropriate response to current events? We've got suspended campaigns, a vice presidential candidate that is giving women a bad name, a huge financial crisis, and the president has ok'd the first deployment of American troops on American soil since the reconstruction. Everything is so fucked up right now, it may be hard to pay attention to all of the travesties happening at once. One has to wonder how we got here. I'm sure the explanation includes "George W. Bush," "power-hungry," and "fucking idiot."

Firstly, we have McCain suspending his campaign due to the financial crisis, blah blah blah. There's a clip out there on the interwebs of David Letterman getting pissed because McCain cancelled on him to go save the country, yet he was on a CBS news show (same network mind you) at the same scheduled time slot. Not incredibly scandalous, but incredibly tacky.

With Video Pwnage

Sarah Palin has now made a fool of herself on two network news shows. She looked foolish on Charles Gibson's program a couple of weeks ago, then I believe it was Katie Couric pwned her just a couple of days ago, both highlighting the fact that she doesn't know shit about national government and policy.

Also With Video Pwnage

Everyone is talking about the financial crisis. People are starting to throw out phrases like "another Great Depression." I think we can all agree that we don't want to be there. It's getting frightening, but I think most everyone agrees that giving a whole bunch of money the government has to a bunch of big businesses is not a plan the common people can get behind. We've been getting screwed by these businesses for years. Their interests always come first. I understand that the market is in a lot of trouble right now, but I feel that other options should be explored, and they should have started at the first hint of trouble, as opposed to rushing an idea through Congress at the last minute, to look like they've got the situation under control. That's the way that chimp President gets what he wants. There is even talk of this fix giving even more power to the executive branch. This is not a good thing, and if it works out like they're speculating, will change the face of capitalism.

The Voice of Reason

I, for one, Welcome Our New Executive Branch Overlords

Finally, we have a deployment of troops within the United States. Their mission, according to an article in an Army publication, has a whole lot to do with riot and crowd control. With the way things have been going, this makes me incredibly nervous. Ok, paranoid. I want to know what is going to happen that we don't know about yet that is going to cause a mass riot in the US. Even a few years ago, that would have seemed impossible. Now, I'm not so sure.

Read the Scary Stuff Here

I'm going to go curl up with some pop culture, and hope it all goes away. (Isn't that how we all deal with this?)

More Info on the Nerdgasm Experiment

I have more information to share. When attempting to teach a group of highly geeky men, perhaps even qualified as ultra-nerd, showing portions of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and Futurama is a recipe for disaster. After the viewing of said clips, they were bouncing off the walls like twelve year olds on a pixie stick binge at an arcade. It was like they were junkies freebasing. They probably came down about an hour later, rocking themselves, just looking for another hit. They just need another hit, man. Ah, the highs and lows of education.

Sacks...

Bridesmaid dresses are a funny thing. I am on my 3rd one from David's Bridal. Their Sizes have been consistent. However, the number in the back of the dress does not make me feel any better about the consistency.
Usually, I put on a size 24 and it dangles on me...if not falls off onto the floor. But not with a David's Bridal...Oh, no. Not a chance. I don't know if they purposely cut their clothes small but they are horrible. I don't know how really big girls with FUPA fit into anything in there! I feel like I am fairly proportionate. However, I guess only sticks can wear Dave's clothes. I was hoping, just hoping, after my weight lifting class, the dress would hang on my ass like a burlap sack...but (sigh!), David's Bridal did not make that a reality.
I will continue to shop at Fat Girl Heaven (Lane Bryant) and buy my 14/16s in there...LOL!

Coraline

In other animation/manga/graphic novel news, I spent some time this weekend with Neil Gaiman’s Coraline. I recommend Chutah read it, if she has not already. It was marked as suitable for ages 8 and up, but it scared me. People had black button eyes. Which sounds kind of cute, like teddy bears, but was freaky in the extreme. It was grotesque and ghoulish and creepy, but also really cool.

It was a dark Alice in Wonderland that grants the power to Alice. There was a strength of will to the main character that was something integral to herself, not found from the situation or other people. The art was very different than what I have experienced, but I usually am reading something Japanese or derivative. It was very Western, somewhat realistic with loose, flowing lines. The colors were usually subtle, but strong colors were used to emphasis, as in Death Note.

I looked for the second volume of Sandman, but my library is pretty spotty on the graphic novels. I’m thankful that they have them at all. I really enjoy the complexity of the graphic novels; the art and story combine to make a lush and intellectually stimulating experience.

Death Note

I watched the first disc of Death Note this weekend. So delicious. I had not watched it to this point because of the anime's style. The shinigami (death god) is drawn in an alarming fashion. Of course, that makes sense for a death god. You wouldn't expect and death god to be all warm and fuzzy. That might be an interesting choice as well, but contrary to this anime’s point.

Basically, the death god is bored. He's stuck in death god world with nothing to do, everyone is bored and spends eternity playing dice. He doesn’t want to anymore, so he takes his death note and drops it in the human world. Once it is dropped and picked up by a human, he is bound to the human until he loses the book, or until he dies. He thinks humans are fascinating.

The book is found by an extremely intelligent high school student named Light. He reads the instructions, and believes the book is a prank. As a test, however, he writes the name of a criminal into the book, and the criminal dies. He dismisses that as a fluke, a coincidence. He tests it again on another criminal, and this criminal dies. He decides the book is real, and sets out to systematically rid the world of all evil people. Noble, right? In the first episode he reveals to the death god that his dream is to create a utopia and rule over it as a god.

It was shocking and disturbing. Instead of taking the traditional superhero approach, the hero is an incredibly complicated and flawed individual who may or may not have pure motives, or who may or may not be doing a good thing. His feverish commitment to the destruction and resurrection of the current reality is fascinating. And once you get used to the animation style, the animation is really quite stunning. The characters are beautifully drawn, the death god is striking in his otherness, and certain elements integral to the story or as symbols are highlighted through the use of gorgeous color. I can’t wait for more.

(It was an anime weekend, with Death Note, Bleach vol. 3, and reading Fruits Basket vol. 17)

And they say there are no good men...

I WONDER WHY HE'S STILL SINGLE. -A

Je suis Henri

Pop

I lost my Pop almost two years ago. Every once in a while I get the urge to call him, but then quickly remember that I can't call him...he's not here anymore. He's no where. It's like a little skewer sticking in my heart each time.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day!

In honor of talk like a pirate day, I've written a seafaring tale featuring four fearless, lusty lady pirates and their lovely assistant BP

Captain Mary Bonney--Cotton Candy

Iron Morgan Roberts --Loramae

Dirty Charity Bonney--Chutah

Iron Tom Kidd--BP

Mad Bess Bonney--Me

It had been another disappointin' tide fer Mad Bess Bonney. All tide, pushin' papers around a desk an' lookin' fer a wee excitement. Lucky fer th' lass', Captain Mary Bonney had plans that be beyond excitin'. Captain Mary, clad in a mixture o' pink lace an' black leather, an' th' sexiest boots seen on this side o' th' Mississippi, waited abroadside fer Mad Bess t' be released from th' hellish prison. As Mad Bess emerged, she saw Captain Mary waitin', an' knew thar be an adventure t' be had.

They be meetin' up wi' Iron Morgan Roberts an' Dirty Charity Bonney fer a nighttime raid. Iron Tom Kidd had been drafted t' do th' grunt work fer th' lasses. They met Iron Morgan an' Dirty Charity in th' darkness abroadside a house in a deserted neighborhood. Iron Morgan be beautiful as ever, wi' long flowin' curls, wearin' a sexy yet burglary appropriate black lace tank an' streamlined black britches. Dirty Charity were comfortably dressed in clothes that accentuated th' lass' lithe body--a dark grey tank covered wi' a black sweater an' deep plum yoga britches. They be both excited, one good eye twinklin', ready fer action.

They sailed' around th' aft o' th' house, 'ere they found Iron Tom waitin' wi' long sufferin' patience. He be outwardly calm, but t' them that knew th' lad's well, thar be jus' a touch o' expression that found th' whole endeavor annoyin', amusin', an' dangerous all at th' same time. Only th' pull o' this many gorgeous lasses would make th' lad's take part in somethin' like this.

In low voices, they sailed' o'er th' plan. Iron Morgan an' Captain Bonney positioned they's self at th' aft door, ready t' strike in case th' plan sailed' awry. Dirty Charity an' Mad Bess crept along th' aft o' th' house wi' Mad Tom, lookin' fer revenge. An' they found 't. 't be a planter, about medium sized, an' a deep blue. 't be beautiful. Dirty Charity fell t' th' lass' knees an' wept t' be seein' 't. "Me baby," she spake, "we`ll nerebe apart again." Mad Bess pulled th' lass' from th' planter, an' instructed Iron Tom t' carry th' heavy pot away t' th' aft o' Captain Mary`s car.

As we made our way ou' o' th' aft yard, th' evil landlady appeared. Quick as a shot, Iron Morgan held a gun t' th' bitches' aft while Captain Mary taunted th' bitch'. Fer the'r amusement, they made th' lass' t' th' chicken dance, while they all laughed an' pointed. They tied th' bitch' t' th' bitchs' fore porch post, an' then called th' police t' report a crazy bitch performin' an outlandish autoerotic bondage display in th' bitchs' fore yard.

They yelled in triumph as they drove off wi' th' recovered loot, feelin' vindicated an' hearin' th' sirens approachin' in th' distance. They immediately began plans fer the'r next adventure fer th' good o' vixens everywhere.

Funny

I just realized that Cotton Candy does not have an *official* advanced degree like the rest of the bloggers - however, her advanced math classes negate any reason she should not blog with us or blog about it. She just has to ride the short bus on Pub Crawls from now on...LOL! :) I still love *pink* Cotton Candy!

Retards = Dumbass Voters

You know why I support Obama? Because has common sense. WTF do these candidates think they are stopping science? When I talk about stopping science, I am talking about Stem Cell Research. Only a true retard would *stop* this kind of advancement. All I know that if someone who studies cells thinks this can treat cancer, diabetes or dementia, I am all for it.
If one more asshole at work, who isn’t worth $8 an hour, let alone the $40 they are paid, says the “the Democrats are going to raise taxes…” Well, I take my fair share of tax screwing since I don’t have any dependants but I hope each one of these retards who use this argument spend one whole day, hell, maybe a WHOLE MONTH taking care of a person who truly suffers from any disease that stem cell research would benefit. Then, take on the bills the person suffering from disease with the all of this money they get to keep from not taxing it and pay what their pathetic insurance has left them with.
I hope people truly take issues into account and not their pocket book when they make their mark on the ballots this November. OH, and none of the retards know what day the election is held.

Dumbass.

On the news tonight, some girl is upset because someone stole her laptop out of her unlocked Jeep Grand Cherokee at a gas station. Well, dumbass, lock your door at the gas station. Sorry that you are so irresponsible to lock your doors with a valuable asset inside. I am surprised they didn't take your purse, your identity or your car.

No one *deserves* to get robbed...however, a tiny, tiny bit of common sense would have benefited you… The sad thing is that I bet your Jeep Grand Cherokee has a remote entry….just on click and you would have saved your laptop…

We All Live in a Yellow Submarine

I would like to start by saying that natural disasters suck and it sucks to lose your house.

Has anyone ever been to Galveston? Ok, imagine a beautiful beach, like the one on your screen saver. Now, instead of blue water, color it brown because the water is full of trash and pollution. Now imagine a smell like when the sewer backs up and leaks and mixes with rotting fish. Voila - Galveston, TX.

So I get the draw to build on the beach and risk life and limb to live someplace beautiful like San Diego; I don't get Galveston. Why not just live in a wet trashcan, it's Hurricane free? I should feel sorry for people who have lost their homes, but seriously? This is a chance for you to get out, escape, live out of the trash!

And for those who rebuild, you don't deserve insurance. I wouldn't insure you, d’uh, you think this was the last Hurricane of the century? Hope you have a nice savings because if I get my way the government won’t bale your sorry ass out either. Why should I pay because you’re stupid and build on a beach? Same goes for those of you who live on cliffs prone to mudslides or in forests where there are fires every year. MOVE. It’s a buyers market.

Frustration...

you know when you have bad day when your 74 year old dad gets asked to leave assisted living...and you have to find a place to park him until you find a new place. Dementia is very unpleasant...

Support Group Meetings...

So, my father's dementia doctor suggested we go to a Caregiver Support Group for dementia
caregiver/patients... I found one online at Crossing Church...and boy, did I find
some support groups. I wondered around the halls and found Divorce Care
(I,II & III), Gambler Anonymous, Compulsive Eaters Anonymous, Grief
Share (I, II & III), Anger Management (Men and Women), Alcoholics
Anonymous, etc. They were laying out quite a spread of food, too, for
the breaks. They had a caterer!

Every support group BUT the dementia caregiver one...sigh...so I looked it up on the *Crossing* website and found they changed the time to noon! So disappointed!

Reading...

I have been on a rampage. I cannot get enough of the written word this month. I don't know what is wrong with me. I keep reading novels that are purely entertainment value only. Not that reading for entertainment value isn’t valuable…it is…but the way I have devouring books like a starving person, it is astonishing. I stay up way into the night reading…I haven't done that since High School or the new Janet Evanovich book came out (I still haven't read 14…L).
The most surprising book I picked up the other day was "Catcher in the Rye." I haven't read that since I was 14. Now, I own and can read it at my lesiure... :)

So. Tired.

It takes an incredible force of will to try to penetrate the force fields that students have created to keep knowledge of English Composition out of their brains. I will have nightmares about blank stares and dismissive attitudes. The effort it takes to battle their lack of interest after I've battled my lack of interest all day at work is just too much. And tomorrow, I must face the incessant ringing of telephones. (I'm feeling very melodramatic today, can you tell?) If I'm not shipped off to the crazy house sometime tomorrow afternoon, I'll check back.

I once had a romantic rendezvous with your biological mother

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Like a comet

Last night I took my sister to see the OKC Philharmonic, headlining Itzhak Perlman on violin. They first played Weinberger, then Mr. Perlman came on stage. Everyone stood to applaud, and as I watched him go on, I got chills. I couldn't believe this guy was...(let's see, back row of balcony...) standing a little less than a mile from me. He performed Mozart with the symphony. His solo parts were sweet, and I closed my eyes.

And jammed my finger into my left ear.

All around me were people who obviously wanted to be there, very quiet and still. Except the guy to my left. He brought his eight year old daughter who had a miserable cold. So my entire experience of the extraordinarily gifted, world famous violinist went like something like this...



...peppered with punctuations of this...



but it was that slurpy miserable nose-blowing...the worst nose-blowing of them all. Fortunately they left at the intermission. I was pissed, but went on to enjoy Tchaikovsky's Symphony in E minor, Op. 64. It was beautiful and intriguing. I've always loved Tchaikovsky, and last night I realized it was because he uses so many strings. The symphony had six bass, TEN cellos, and a thousand little violins.

Run Cotton Candy!

Pigs do Wear Lipstick

Ok, Obama didn’t say it, so I’ll say it: Sarah Palin is a Natzi Pig in lipstick. We’ve already established that she is a woman who doesn’t believe that women are actually people who deserve equal rights as citizens of America. Now we know she is a big fat liar; an opportunist. Well thanks McCain for giving her a big fat opportunity to spread her lies and deceit (and pig manure) all over this country. Her “thanks but no thanks” to the bridge to nowhere – a big fat lie. She never actually said that. She did say “oh yes please, we’d LOVE that bridge to nowhere” in her campaign for governor of Alaska. But then Congress, not Natzi Pig Palin canceled the bridge. Just so we get our big fat facts straight.

Adsense

Just wanted to give a shout out to Adsense. I think the Vixens would all agree that we heartily endorse our current ad: "Gay Men with Muscles." Go gay men with muscles!

Nerdgasm Revisited

I seem to be somewhat focused on scientific discovery recently. I just wanted to provide an update on the geek situation. This week, I have had the opportunity to descend into the depths of a geek stronghold. I've seen a couple of men that would fall into the hot geek potential category. But there are more than just hot geeks there. I've discovered a cute boy next door type, a sexy player, and the entrancing alternative guy. But there are also horrors lurking, horrors that I had managed to block. Yes, they have nerds.

Nerds and geeks are very different. Geeks have obscure interests that border on nerd territory, but still manage to keep it together, have some social skills, and not manage to grate your nerves like nails on a chalkboard. The nerds are the pretentious, overbearing, socially retarded types that are completely oblivious to almost everything.

I don't know if it is just me, or if every teacher experiences this kind of weird draw for the nerds. They wait for me after class, just so they can talk to me a little longer. They tell me about their interests, recommend books, TV shows, and anime. They are really nice generally. It's so heart-breaking to meet them and know that they are good and decent people but they somehow are so oblivious to simple social behaviors that they have a difficult time. And even though I understand them, I still want to get as far away as quickly as possible.

A message for the nerds: there is hope. All it takes is finding someone to teach you how to relate to other people, and perhaps work on the clothes. That's it. Maybe we should start some kind of nerd rehab. Take the nerds, teach them to talk without sounding like the Comic Book Guy from "The Simpsons" and put them in some GAP-issued standard IT geek uniform. It's a slight adjustment.

Plus, think about the surge in the hot geek population. It's a win-win.

In the Interest of Science

I was talking with a friend the other day. See, I’m like a sailor on shore leave after six months at sea, most of the time. Life is like a banquet (as Auntie Mame says) and I'm one of the poor bastards starving to death. He said that a woman could join in on the banquet at any time. All she needs to do is stride boldly in to the banquet hall, and let people know she is hungry. The men will run to her, anxious to satisfy her needs.

I think the idea is laughable.

I don't believe that a woman's chances for getting sex are better than a man's. Here's the scenario: say I'm looking for someone in my office to satisfy my carnal desires. Do I have a better chance of finding a willing partner than the guy that sits two cubes down?

Men generally say, 'yes, women have better chances,' and since generally the women who are looking for sex are looking for men, it would stand to reason that it does mean a woman can have it whenever. But if this were true, women would never experience a dry spell. You could just put a sign up in your cubicle, "seeking a lover, apply within." I think it is much more complicated. Men think the pool of available women is smaller than that of interested men, and thus, statistically the chances are much better.

Women know otherwise. We've all gone without, and not by our own choosing. To suggest that a man will say yes just because the person offering has the correct set of genitalia has got to be false. Men select sex partners on the same standards, they want attractive partners, even if it is just a quick fuck. Plus, there are people who are in committed relationships who actually either respect (or fear) their partner.

So how do we test this theory? A social experiment in which we deploy the Vixens in various environments and gather statistical data on their success? It is a problematic idea to say the least, approaching strange men and asking for sex, especially if you don’t plan to follow through with each one that says yes. A survey perhaps? "Would you have sex with me? a) absolutely, b) perhaps c) never d) how much have I had to drink?" And then we would have to have a complementary team of men performing the same study.

What say you Vixens? Can we get it any time we want? What scientific principles would guide the study?

I run away

I just got back from a run. I haven't run in a while, because I bought my house and the state turned into a pressure cooker over the last two months. It might sound dramatic to say this, but running really is an act of survival for me. The past couple of winters have dragged me down into a maelstrom the equivalent of an emotional black hole, and nothing...not even antidepressants...can pull me out. I usually surf through winter on a bottle of vodka a week because I'm not running.

But running saves me. The first run of the spring or fall...that saves me, and it's exhilarating. Nothing else gives me clarity or relieves my stress like running does. When I run, the things that have been seriously getting to me fall away, and I think about things in a more positive way. It gives me energy, and when I run I can't hate my existence. I don't know why....it just happens that way.

Thank god I have a treadmill to get me through this winter.

Nerdgasm

Earlier today, in the big brother sanctioned smoking area, which is a weird 6x4x10x9 trapezoidal area, a guy gave my friend advice about a wireless router. Cute, wiry, wearing glasses and the nerd uniform of white button up and khakis. I assumed he was in IT, a place I try to stay away from for I have an unhealthy attraction to geeks.

I came into the breakroom, and there he was, working on a laptop and entranced by CNN. Mmm. Brainy and geeky and hot. Just like I like them. It's a mostly harmless fascination, but it does lead to some interesting side effects when listening to geek talk that would bore most women. I generally have very little idea of what they are talking about, but I'm picturing something else entirely.

It's nothing like the Savage Love podcast I heard today about the woman who had a grammar fetish. Interesting words were her fetish. And while I love words, I don't LOVE words, you know? She started talking about the words that turned her on, and it was pretty pornographic. Dan Savage accused her of masturbating in her call, the words so obviously did it for her. It was interesting to me, the mental switches that people have that can lead to enhanced sexual excitement.

I don't think geeks, as sexy as they are, are that thing for me. It makes me want to experiment and find one. Purely in the interest of science.

I got the last Itzhak Perlman ticket

I'll tell you all about it, since you apparently can't make it. Because I got the last ticket.

Is this thing on?

I'm at the point in my life where I'm wondering why I live in a country where a big bunch of folks think peeling back gun control laws is okay, but gay marriage isn't? A gun's a weapon...a gun could kill me if the right psychopath came along with one. Is this something we can all agree on?

Gay marriage can't kill me. A couple of gay psychopaths...THEY could kill me. But technically, a gay marriage can in no way kill me. Or seriously injure me.

Guns are cool, but for some reason a mind that's anti-gun control AND anti-gay marriage escapes my sense of logic.

To re-cap: I'm for guns, but also for gun-control...because guns can kill or injure me. I'm for marriage, but also for gay marriage...because gay marriage can't kill or injure me.

So why is gay marriage a hugely ridiculous national issue again?

Other than that:

I'm a thirty year old heterosexual woman. Throughout my twenties when my girlfriends were falling in love and getting married, I was falling in love with guys who were everything from neglectful to abusive to me. At thirty, I'm worse for the wear after dating a string of heterosexual assholes. Can't a hot college-educated girl like me get a break? I guess what I'm trying to say is that after ten years of trying to come to terms with being a single thirty-something in a social construct where over 90% of women get married....the disappointments, the broken hearts, the loneliness...I believe to the depths of my experience that if you can find someone who you love and respect, and who loves and respects you...then MORE POWER TO YOU!

Love's a beautiful thing, and I know this, because I've been an outsider to it for all of my adult life. If you're lesbian, gay, stright, black, white, orange, disabled, abled, smart, stupid, support gun control or are anti-gun control...if you find love, isn't that amazing?? Aren't you lucky? I'd never take that away from anyone, just because I know how rare it is to find that. That's why the idea of people protesting same-sex marriage hurts my heart....don't take love away, because it's a luxury that some of us don't have!

And besides that, how exactly is it going to affect me when my neighbors are a gay couple? Gay marriage = hydrogen bomb? Haha! How silly. Wait, I do have gay neighbors....and they're actually the only people on the block who've been friendly to me since I've moved in.

Dr. Feelgood, Chapter 1 by Lora Mae

(bolded words provided by Lora Mae)

She wasn't sure she was ready for this. Fireman Free said it was a good idea, but she was not so sure. She held her breath, and walked into the shirt. The group leader saw her right away. He strode up to her, and with a hot smile, pumped her hand excitedly. "We're so happy to have you here at our smokin' support group. We think you'll be a welcome addition to the group." He let go of her hand and saved away. She wiped her hand on her can, and after a quick look around the room, settled on a chair next to a tall, metal man in an out of the way recess. He stared at the stained juice of the room, slightly asking and singing to himself. She was submitted by his dark looks and red nature. After a time, he seemed to become aware of her by degrees, and slowly turned his finger toward her. She held her sandwich as his attention became intensely focused on her. The warmth of his gaze was disconcerting, almost as if he were a hitchhiker who had caught her walking. She only hoped he could not read her mind, or if he could, that he would not be asked by what he saw there.

Friday Mad Libs

In the spirit of the Vixen tradition of Friday Mad Libs, I'd like to introduce our new recurring series. To entertain ourselves on Fridays, while chained to our desks in the cubicle world, we modified the children’s game Mad Libs to suit our purposes. This is not a new idea, it is considered to be a great surrealistic game for adults who are into that sort of thing. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I wrote a story and the Vixens provided the missing words without knowing the context (in the noun, verb, adverb, etc. format). Please remember, we really do have jobs; these stories are really long, but we did take a couple of months to complete them. I will be releasing these stories a little at a time, since they are monster-sized, and I will release all of Lora Mae's story, then Chutah's, and then Cotton Candy's. Please stay tuned for the additional chapters. Once the whole story is released, I'll see if we can’t add a link to the story in its entirety and possibly the story in mad lib format, in case anyone is inspired.

Selling McCain

Ok, on to part two. Didn't want to lay it all on you at once. It's about the POW thing. John McCain is a POW. We are all aware of this fact. He provided a great service to his country, and in the performance of his duty, was captured and was in a POW camp for five years. This is something that I admire him for living through and continuing to live with as a part of his life history.

What I don't like about it is the fact that everyone that gets up to talk at the Republican Convention throws it around. I feel that it is hugely disrespectful for Guliani to use it as a marketing tool, Palin to sell a man based on a horrible experience, and a Republican crowd to cheer when a man’s long, horrible experience is trotted out as a talking point. They even had a country singer sing a song he wrote, wherein an entire verse was dedicated to the candidate's torture.

This was a real experience, it must have had a huge impact on his life. To treat it as political experience that qualifies him to be president seems, to me, to belittle the man's experiences. I’m all for him using this experience to promote himself; it was his experience, and he can do with it what he likes. But to hear every Republican in America to celebrate the capture and torture of a soldier seems really sick and twisted.

Is that pit bull wearing lipstick?

I must be a masochist, I watched the lipstick-wearing pitbull hockey mom Sarah Palin last night. There was a lot of things that I disagreed with, was angered by, and thought was flat out ridiculous, but there are two things that stood out most to me, and I’d like to devote a couple of blogs to them. First, energy.

These people have the biggest hard-on for offshore drilling ever, when reports have shown that offshore drilling will be largely ineffective. It will take time to get these sources generating oil, and once they do, it will not solve our oil dependency. The amounts of oil potentially generated by these sites may not warrant the investment needed to get them producing. I imagine by the time these sources are producing, (if they produce any significant amount) our need will have expanded, as it continues to do, and then we will be back at square one only minus natural environments and tourism in Alaska and Florida.

Instead, doesn’t it make much more sense to develop new sources of energy? I can’t fathom the focus on retaining this obviously malfunctioning system. Yes, it makes us rely on other countries when we shouldn’t be. It involves us in foreign affairs that we shouldn’t be involved in. It leads to pollution and destruction of the environment. Imagine if the oil producing countries decided to cut us off. What would we do then? They could sell the oil to other countries, I imagine. China’s demand for oil is rising every day. We are not the strong, autonomous nation that we believe that we are.

Focusing our energy on developing new technologies in order to provide us with the fuel that we need seems to be a much more sound idea. There are many benefits. We would become self-reliant, which is hugely important. We would greatly profit from the new technologies. Aren’t we a capitalist country? We’re talking big time money to be made from these developments We would once again be industry leaders, leaders in the development of innovations, which hasn’t been very true for a long time. It would lead to more jobs than offshore drilling. It would be a great help in curbing the effects of global warming and the damage that is being caused by our current reality.

Longwinded, I know, but the current attitude about oil makes no sense to me. The only logical explanation for why we haven’t moved on is the amount of money that the oil companies spread around to keep the system in place.

Crazy Train

Crazy Train – it’s a good classic rock song and a scary Republican Presidential Ticket.

Seriously? Old crazy white guy and younger crazy white girl? I love how they’ve (the Republicans) taken two crazies from both ends of the spectrum. Old guy who is crazy and smart enough to pass as sane some of the time, and younger girl who is just plane coocoo for coco puffs.

Examples of crazy:

Old guy: Racist Name calling, doesn’t believe women are people, thinks that drilling oil off shore will magically reduce the price of gas, I’m sure there are many more examples, these are just the few that come to mind.

Young girl: Nazi who wants to ban books from libraries, would allow/ make her 17 year old daughter to marry the father of her unborn child, doesn’t believe women are people even though she appears to be one, either got on a plane in labor for a 12 hour ride or covered up her daughter’s first pregnancy; either way = crazy, thinks that drilling oil off shore will magically reduce the price of gas; I’m sure there are waaaaaay more of these to come. I can’t wait, maybe by the end of the campaign she’ll be heavily medicated or just committed.

Ok, now some of you might point out that you have to be crazy to be a Republican anyway, and I’ll give you that. You have to be able to suspend your belief in science and all things logical, so that the world centers around you, which ultimately changes the way gravity works. But that is normal crazy. I argue that these two are truly on a Crazy Train. I guess this election will show us if the majority of the Electoral College is also crazy.