Cold Fish, Part 2

My own response to the idea that women don’t enjoy/want/desire sex: it is unfathomable how this idea perpetuates. This idea was stated as fact--women want less sex than men--in multiple sources, including this NYT article. It is stated that 30% of women suffer from a lack of sexual desire or levels of sexual desire lower than the norm. Most times, the discussion then moves directly to a description of hopes on the horizon of drugs that will be the female equivalent of Viagra; never mind the fact that Viagra works to create and maintain an erection only, not bolster a flagging desire.

Women are seen as asexual creatures and men are seen as hypersexual creatures. In my limited experience, and that of my circle of friends, this does not bear out. I know many women who want sex, and seem to want it more than their male counterparts. The idea itself is nonsensical on a biological level. How does that help the continuation of the species? Surely the female experiences the same level of desire.

In my opinion, it is the continuation of the Madonna/whore complex and the focus on male desire that leads to a lack of sexual response in women. Women still feel pressured to deny their sexuality. I’ve discovered a group of Vixens who I can be frank about sexuality with, but in other situations, and other groups of women, to admit to being highly sexual is still a bit scandalous and embarrassing. So I’m not at all sure that groups of women, when confronted with a poll regarding their sexual desire will be answering honestly. Sorry, girls.

Secondly, Cosmo tells these women that they should be focused on “blowing his mind” or a little further south. Discussions of improving the female experience of sex are few and far between. I’m sure a lot of women are experiencing the backlash from this kind of focus. Men are expecting to have their minds blown, while women are experiencing sex for pleasure, but not expected to experience the kind of pleasure their partners are experiencing.

The symptoms of this kind of behavior is easy to see. Increasingly, women are relying on sex toys in the bedroom to get theirs. I’ve heard the statistics, something like 70% of women cannot reach orgasm without a little technological assistance or direct stimulation of the clitoris. It could be expected that with this information readily available, that men would be incorporating direct clitoral stimulation to make sure that their bedmates get theirs. I’m sure there are some, but it seems to be far from common. It seems the male fantasy of bringing a woman through the power of the penis alone is dominating the bedroom, leaving large portions of the female population to either fake it, or reassure the men in their lives that they just enjoy the physical sensations and that release isn’t that important.

And true, female sexuality can be a tricky thing. It’s ever-changing, and there is never going to be the strategy that works for every woman, or even the same woman every time. Also true, the physical sensation and intimacy is enough, even when an orgasm isn’t a part of sex. But instead of jumping to these conclusions about cold women and how they need medication, had they considered foreplay? I mean, honestly.

Sadie, Sadie Single Lady

A response to Sadie the Married Lady:

I'm thirty-one and have never been married. I have a string of failed relationships behind me. Living in Oklahoma doesn't help any, because everyone my age seems to be suckling the hard cock of tradition.

But I've got a split identity that cleaves me into two different personalities.

One personality reacts to the harsh judgments of many local married women. With phrases like, "People like you..." "I'm glad I'm not single," "you must be lonely," and "at least I'm married," I've felt like the brunt of criticism...as if something's wrong with me because I'm thirty-one and not married...unlike (apparently) every thirty-one year old woman in Oklahoma. These kinds of remarks make me feel bad about myself, and I don't like that because I'm a good person.

Despite the above-average success I've had in my life, I still feel like in my family's home community I'm not successful until I'm married. Why? Any idiot can marry any other idiot. And they do.

My other identity sleeps in until 8 am on Saturday and gets up to go for a 4-8 mile run. I go to the farmer's market and come home to work on one of my gardens. I grow my own flowers and vegetables, and eat relatively healthy, except for chocolate mousse and champagne at intervals. I paint on canvas or wood, or do some other creative projects. At nights I go out, or stay in and make elaborate dinners for my close friends. Or I stay in and read. Read in bed or the bathtub with candles and scented oils. Often on weekends, I have an overnight guest, male or female, or sometimes I prefer to sleep alone in the middle of my bed. The cherry on my experience is the luxury of leisure. This identity is happy and content, and pours my heart out to the world around me, as it lets the world pour it's exhilaration for living into me.

What I appreciate is a single or married woman who can love and appreciate me for who I am...single or married. I appreciate my women friends, married or single, who still maintain their own identity and personal strength. And who know that with or without a man, we've all got each other common.

What I don't appreciate is those married women who perpetuate the stereotype that being single is the sad alternative. I've been in your houses, I've seen your husbands, and the undesirable things that make me want to close my ears and eyes to this chaos of yours that I'm not accustomed to. The truth is, if you criticize me, 1.) you appear to be concealing insecurity and latent discontentment, and 2). you open the door for me to criticize your lifestyle choice.

I have two college degrees, have served on boards and traveled to most major cities in the US to do so. I have visited 14+ countries, have done commercial and runway modeling and still get stopped in the street by curious men. At 3 am on a school night when a girl or boyfriend calls sobbing, I put on my shoes and coat, and drive until I find them to give comfort. I'll do anything for my friends. And if a friend says, "Can you meet me in Wandsworth Town next Thursday?" I can and will. I have many friends, close loving friends, many interests and activities and access to leisure time. I can drive an hour just to tuck my Grandma into bed if I'd like...even at 2 am after getting off the phone with her (though she's so independent, she protests that she can tuck herself in).

My life only has the routine that I create for it. And if I don't like that routine, if I don't like that town or those people, I can move on. Every day can be what I make it, and living the way I chose is lovely. And by the way, I'd take a bullet for your children as long as you raise them with confidence and a self-possession like your own.

Other than that, I'm sure that you know as well as I do that your husband wants to do things to me that you'd cringe to imagine.

So leave me alone with the happy, loopy, childlike freedom of the unmarried life. Love me, and I'll worship you. Ask any of my women friends.

VPILF

VPILF

After receiving a text from Lora Mae last week expressing her desire to kick over a Palin sign, I thought about my reactions to the woman. Seeing her on TV, seeing her picture, and especially hearing her voice raises a seemingly irrational rage in me. I thought that was weird. I haven’t had that kind of reaction since my reaction to W in the last election. For a small scale social experiment, I asked a man of my acquaintance with very similar political views if seeing/hearing Palin made him angry. He said no. I know one man doesn’t make a truth, but it seemed to be a telling thing to me.

I guess it is because she’s attractive to the men, or somewhat attractive to them anyway. Men have the strangest ideas about women being attractive. I’ve read men say that Palin is attractive in a in-the-dark, as-long-as-she-doesn’t-speak, squint-your-eyes, from-behind-her-ass-looks-good-enough way. There are those that find the whole package appealing, but I haven’t heard so much of that. To my brain, these qualifiers would seem to lead one to the conclusion that the object of said qualifiers is, in fact, unattractive. But I guess that’s one of the things that separate women from men.

I finally pinpointed the source of my own rage by relating it back to an episode of Futurama. I relate entirely too many real-life situations back to Futurama; I guess it is a testament to the genius of the show, or conversely to my mental state. Remember the episode where Leela became the first female Major League Blurnsball player? She was a pitcher that was discovered because she has no depth perception, and just keeps beaning people in the head. She became a parody of what could have been a major milestone for women. A very talented college female player expresses to Leela how disappointed she is that Leela is giving female players a bad name. Her argument is that by allowing herself to be exploited, she belittles the other women.

This is what Palin is doing. By being the worst qualified vice presidential candidate in recent history, she is prolonging the day that a woman will be vice president, even president. Her use of sexuality to succeed, her consistent use of emotional appeals, her smearing Obama, and her cattiness confirms all the negative stereotypes that have convinced the voting majority that women are unfit to serve in these important positions. No one takes her seriously. We’ve moved from having a strong, capable female candidate for president to a complete mockery of a political figure that allows the public to continue under the impression that strong women are bad and unnatural, and what you can allow is an Eskimo Barbie to go with your White House playset.

After examining my own life, I realized that I am plagued with emotional affairs with men. I am usually attracted to men I can't have or to men who are legally unavailable or unavailable because the love men or racially (because, sadly, between my redneck sister and my dad, no one would find the bodies).
Anyway, my good friend I worked with...we worked together for many years and we shared a lot of dislike for our work as well as the need for security that our employment provided. In order to live vicarasiouly through his wife, I would often volunteer to babysit when they needed a night out. I never really cared for his wife but I remained friendly with her because of him. She was never my typical friend and we both knew this...I even told her one time "you were lucky to find him, not many guys out there like him" when I really meant, "you were lucky to catch anyone, especially him..."
So, when she drove him into the nut house because she thought somehow she could do better than him and it sent him into an emotional tailspin, who did reach out to? Me. As soon as I realized that there was no way in hell I wanted to be saddled to emotional wreck with 4 kids, I told him so. It was the end to my first emotional affair with a married man...
My next emotional affair would have to be with my G@Y. My gay replaced any need for a man I might have...he didn't come out until I had known him for 10 years. In the bottom of my heart, I knew he was gay but I dreamed of him not being gay so I didn’t have to look for a man. In the end, people still thought we were married and he became my gay husband. I would still marry him tomorrow if he needed health insurance or I needed to leave someone money tax free. When we had a fight once, and didn’t speak for 10 months, it felt like I went through a divorce. I was depressed and heartbroken over this...and then he moved. I felt like we broke up all over again. I still have an emotional attachment to him because my friendship for all of these years.
My newest emotional affair is with my friend’s husband. I only knew who he *was* in high school and I know in never spoke to him...not once in high school. I had known his wife since we were 12. At the reunion, I went alone, so latched on to them. We became friendly and he introduced me to the *ungettable* guy from Jr.High. It was exciting to be friends with them because they were happily married and were a lot of fun to party with...then, the inevitable happened. The husband asked me if I wanted to join in their foursome and become a 5th...not a 5th of whiskey…a 5th party in their foursome with another couple! I wonder when they pick up my bar tab or my dinner, if I am on a date? hum...

The Pool Party

My friends bought a new house with a pool. I thought it was exciting and I was excited when they asked me over to swim. I love to swim in a home pool because I worked at a public pool and saw how gross people can be. They said “come over for some cards and swimming”. So, loaded up my 12 pack of Miller Lite, suit and some towels and headed over to their house.
I knew there would be another couple there to play cards and it would be an overall good time. They were making Jell-O Shots? Who can resist?
We started out playing a few rounds of Asshole and have a few shots. I really want to swim so we all head out to the pool. We take our drinks with us.
As we are swimming, all of us run out of drinks. The boys take turns refilling. The owners were concerned about everyone jumping out of the pool to pee. Next think I know, no one is swimming any longer but all of the couples have paired off. Now, I am alone, the water is getting colder and very aware of the vicious pairing off. So, might as well some water aerobics and stretch out. I swim toward the stairs and I am trying to decide if I should go home or not. All of the couples had retired to the jets around the pool.
I get to stairs and I notice a non alcoholic bottle. After closer examination, I see it is an industrial size bottle of lube. OMG! WTF is that….and why is it on the edge of the pool? One of the guys from the couples swims up and says “Can we have the stairs?”
“yes. It is too cold to stay in the water…” I got up, went inside, put on my cover up and left without saying goodbye.
So, the when I saw them again, the guy who asked for the stairs told me that it was a *test* to see what I would do. It was a test I was happy to fail. Then, he proceeded to tell me that if he had met me first, we would be married. I felt sorrier for my friend for being married to him and thinking that I would not want to be married to him! I knew he was trying to seduce me to become a 5th in their foursome!

hotenoughtoswingwith.com

Um, yea...so, again, I was approached by a married couple to participate in multiple partner party. Yes, I was invited to be a 5th. Not a 5th of whiskey…a 5th person in a party of already 4 persons. I know I should take it as a compliment…however; I am very icked out over the whole thing. I have known one of the players since I was 12. I cannot believe it. I know after 8 years of being married, 2 kids, a couple of mortgages, your sex life might get dull. BUT, just because I am *single* doesn’t mean I want to participate and spice up your sex life. Thanks. I am glad you guys are so hot for each other and you want other s to share in your *experiences* however, um, yea, I would like to do one-on-one for a while before I tread down that path...But, hey, more power to you if you want to do that...I just don’t need to know or to be invited...but I am flattered that the four of you think I am hot enough to join in and spice it up! LOL! J

I once had a romantic rendezvous with your biological mother

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

In the Interest of Science

I was talking with a friend the other day. See, I’m like a sailor on shore leave after six months at sea, most of the time. Life is like a banquet (as Auntie Mame says) and I'm one of the poor bastards starving to death. He said that a woman could join in on the banquet at any time. All she needs to do is stride boldly in to the banquet hall, and let people know she is hungry. The men will run to her, anxious to satisfy her needs.

I think the idea is laughable.

I don't believe that a woman's chances for getting sex are better than a man's. Here's the scenario: say I'm looking for someone in my office to satisfy my carnal desires. Do I have a better chance of finding a willing partner than the guy that sits two cubes down?

Men generally say, 'yes, women have better chances,' and since generally the women who are looking for sex are looking for men, it would stand to reason that it does mean a woman can have it whenever. But if this were true, women would never experience a dry spell. You could just put a sign up in your cubicle, "seeking a lover, apply within." I think it is much more complicated. Men think the pool of available women is smaller than that of interested men, and thus, statistically the chances are much better.

Women know otherwise. We've all gone without, and not by our own choosing. To suggest that a man will say yes just because the person offering has the correct set of genitalia has got to be false. Men select sex partners on the same standards, they want attractive partners, even if it is just a quick fuck. Plus, there are people who are in committed relationships who actually either respect (or fear) their partner.

So how do we test this theory? A social experiment in which we deploy the Vixens in various environments and gather statistical data on their success? It is a problematic idea to say the least, approaching strange men and asking for sex, especially if you don’t plan to follow through with each one that says yes. A survey perhaps? "Would you have sex with me? a) absolutely, b) perhaps c) never d) how much have I had to drink?" And then we would have to have a complementary team of men performing the same study.

What say you Vixens? Can we get it any time we want? What scientific principles would guide the study?

These are the kind of problems you want to have . . .

I stumbled across an article about some very pleased British people. See them, don't they look pleased? It's because they've just been to court (for the second time) for having raunchy, loud sex that disturbs their neighbors. Read more at the link:

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,24184797-5013110,00.html

This is the story, for those who don't want to follow the link. Neighbors get tired of hearing the screaming obscenties, headboard banging, and overall good time, and take them to court. I'm guessing jealous. They order the woman to "be quieter." Apparently, she's either incapable or this is a man I've got to meet. They get taken back to court, and this time the man gets an order prohibiting him to get within 100 yds of her "apartment." And that's while he's smiling. She looks pretty happy too.

I now have a goal in life. But seriously, I need a smoke after that.