The best things in life are

Today's thanksgiving and my thirty-first birthday. I began my special day by taking my first dose of prozac.

It's not a secret. I'm depressed, and I haven't been able to shake it since my Grandfather got sick and passed away in the Fall of 2006.

The thing about depression is that it can take a depressed person a long time to work up the motivation to get help. I made it to that point. I endured apathy to find out what psychologists took my insurance and made an appointment with one. I've been going to her once a month since April. That's for forty-five minutes every four weeks. Forty dollars for forty-five minutes every four weeks.

And I'm worse than I've been in months. So today, at the prompting of my good friends, I went to my regular physician for anti-depressants. I told him I was quitting my psychologist, and we talked about how I should be going at least once a week....he preferred twice a week. He gave me prozac (as Dad says: "Yay prozac.")

I feel like I've done well with the process, and things are finally beginning to move back in the upwards direction. Getting drugs, talking to supportive friends...it's very much helped me in initiating improvements.

However, I've hit a road block. While my former counselor suggested I find a way to stick with my psychologist, I find it really ironic that someone who's suffering from a deep debilitating depression can't afford to get real help. I can't afford to go four times a month ($160). I'm a simple person...I have nothing else to cut out of my budget to accommodate that. On top of all this, my insurance is going up next year, meaning I'll be making $30-$80 less on my paycheck every month. And finally, my co-pay is going up to $45. I'm finding myself slipping through a loophole again.

I'm searching for a counseling clinic with a sliding scale payment plan. I'm terribly nervous that I'll make too much money to qualify for their sliding scale (yet, too little to be able to pay for services at regular cost). It doesn't make me feel any better about myself that I can't afford help. Somehow I can't help but feel like it says something about my personal worth.

And I hope that this birthday day isn't foreshadowing of what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. However, my prozac prescription? It's free!!

In FY09, I am going on a debt diet.

I realized that I may *need* a new car in FY09 since I have 96K miles on my car and I need to see what I can afford. In accordance with my calculations, I should have an excess of $439.00 per month to spend on a car payment however, it seems I am always dipping into my saving account to pay off a bill….or whipping out the Old Visa to put gas in my car. SO, from this day on, I will give myself a $25 luxury item a pay period and see if I can save a car payment a month and deal in cash only. No more Amazon.Com purchases, no more new shoes, no more antique furniture, no more trips to Hasting’s, no more Made In China Wal-Mart crap…only the library from now on and wear what I have and get rid of the Made in China crap from Wal-Mart! I am tired of RED!!!! I want to operate in the BLACK AGAIN!

Juicy Bits!

So um.....I've been reading The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. First time, too. It's fascinating! And it reminds me of this book I read for a class when I was getting my masters. We were supposed to read a romance novel. I don't like the Harlequin paperbacks (not because I'm a snob, but because I just can't get into the stories), so I picked up another book. I can't remember what it's called (DANGIT!), but I remember it took place in a medieval history of a land where the women were dominant and the men submissive. And the women WERE dominant. My professor asked me to read some of the more juicy passages to the class (we were a class full of women).

If I remember it, I'll let you know. And I want to check it out again :)

I feel like, since things haven't turned out the way I thought they would, I should invest some time in helping people less fortunate than me in material or educational ways. But for some reason I can't bring myself to do a damned thing to help anyone. I can't even help myself. I just want to sit here and drink. I'm thinking that I might pull out of it some when spring gets here (because winter's the devil), but I'm pretty certain I'll never be able to transcend my resentment toward certain disappointments.

I think I just need to leave this place as soon as I can. Sure circumstance is close on my heals wherever I go, but at least I'll be able to fight it in a new place. Like maybe a with a white sand beach! And I'll bring all the poor homeless people with me, and we'll have a big party.

Phoenix Rising

The Phoenix is a mythical bird who burns up and then is reborn from it’s ashes. How beautiful is that?. Myself and at least one other Vixen, have burned up and are in the process of re-creating ourselves from our ashes. The burning is not so pleasant, but it helps to know that you can rebuild. And the rebuilding isn’t easy either, but knowing that you’re starting your life again, fresh and renewed, it is quite empowering.

We find this cycle of ending and beginning again often in nature; our cells shed and regenerate so that we have a completely new epidermis from the one we were born with. Nature is well aware of the importance of shedding the old and exposing the new. I’m happy to say that my fellow Vixen and I are not fighting our rebirth, but are embracing it. I hope that others can recognized this pattern in their lives and embrace it, if for no other reason then to know you are not trapped and the power of change lies in all of us.

Ok, I’m done being totally gay.
(Peace, love and happiness ya’ll.)

[Yeah, I couldn’t help it, LOL]

The Original Political Blog

So riding through podunk towns through East Texas, I discovered something shocking: while there have not always been political blogs, there have been certain venues for such discussions.

I found one such think tank in the restroom of a gas station in a town of roughly 3000 people. I got the outsider stare as I came in, but I think they were just protecting the valuable information contained within.

As I sat on the stall, I was confronted with such gems as "Jesus Loves You" and "Obama is a cunt." Stunningly reasoned. I was impressed the the wide scope and depth of thinking to be found. Bathroom wall punditry: a lost art.

Burglery and Pawn Shops

I did not know there was a connection until my friend was burglarized last weekend.

It scared me because I would feel violated as well as losing my stuff.

She asked if I would go to a few Pawn shops with her...I said sure...because I am always up to go to a store....

The first one we pulled up, we walked in our work clothes in a Mercedes Benz...I guess they don't see a lot of those at pawn shops because they wouldn't leave us alone. It was very crazy. So, if you are shopping in pawn shops, don't go in good clothes or in fancy car...they want to sell you something! LOL! We couldn't look for her stuff on the down low!

I asked someone what the weirdest thing that someone tried to pawn...it was their gold tooth filling...you must be on hard times to do something like that....

Change '08

All of a sudden, I feel like I’m surrounded by a world of choices. I feel like I could stand up, walk out of this place, and completely change my life. I realize that I don’t have to be here, I don’t have to live like this. It wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but today, I feel like I’m the mistress of my own destiny. Weird.

Handicap...

My friend is handicap. He walks with 2 crutches and he is very slow to get around. People stare. I feel bad for him when people stare.
Last night, in a bar, a drunk spilled a drink on him. Shit happens....but an appolgy is always in order. So, walking down the street to get him a new t-shirt, I see the offender....I walk up to her and say this..."you know you spilled a drink on my friend." she looks dumbfounded. I say "he walks with 2 crutches....and now we have to go buy him a shirt" Dumb Drunk Ass Bitch (I say in my head) and walk off.... I don't play that....
Anyway, we got our friend a T-Shirt that said "Everyone Love You but Everyone Else Thinks your an ASSHOLE..." That is perfect for a handicap who gets stares...

If a tree falls...

This isn't really related to pop culture. It's related to being a single thirty-something in Oklahoma.

I love where my career's leading me, my new house and neighborhood, and the Oklahoma economy isn't as bad as it is in other places. I have great friends who are my family, and of course my family's here.

I feel like, as a single thirty-something woman, that I've landed in sort of a permanent place relationship-wise. I've dated for a million years, and it hasn't happened yet, so I'm kind of putting in my resignation in on the dating thing. I no longer have the emotional stamina for failure, so it's time to retire the jersey.

So now what I have to decide is if I want to be single in Oklahoma or go find some other state where it's more exciting and encouraging to be in my thirties and single. Do they make places like that? I've lived in Oklahoma all my life, but now I'm coming to a point where I have to choose it. I have to think about why I choose it, and why I'd choose another city to be single in...if the good stuff in the other city is better than what I have here.

I'm just not feeling like I have a place here. At work I've made my place. But regarding issues unrelated to career, I wonder if I could be more valuable somewhere else? Or find more personal fulfillment? Or a solid relationship with some fella?

But I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to be single anywhere right now. I kind of want something to count on at the end of the day...even if it's imperfect or isn't for forever. At least I can feel at home somewhere at some time. I just want to feel what it's like.

Other than that, you gals have fun in NO. I went to dinner with the author who's presenting tomorrow, and he speaks as brilliantly as he writes. I'm looking forward to it.

I feel like I've been neglecting you

<--------So here's a present

To Lighten Up the Blog...

http://www.gadling.com/galley-gossip/

I travel...and found this this to be funny! :)

Will blog anything interesting from the trip to NO, LA!!! :)

We should be ashamed

From the NY Times

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/us/politics/08oklahoma.html?_r=1&ref=politics&oref=slogin

Where Tuesday’s Tide Was All Republican

By JAMES C. McKINLEY Jr.
Published: November 7, 2008

OKLAHOMA CITY — The sign over the table at the Arrow Cafe in Tecumseh, a rural town southeast of this state capital, said, “World’s Problems Solved Here,” and beneath it sat five older white Democrats with their coffee, talking politics in the golden afternoon light. Only two had voted for Barack Hussein Obama for president.


Registered Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in Oklahoma, but that was far from evident in the elections.

“I just couldn’t vote for anyone who has Hussein in his name,” joked Bob Cook, a 68-year-old poultry farmer, stretching and smiling. At the other end of the table, Jim White, 65, said he opposed abortion and so could not vote for a candidate like Mr. Obama, who favors abortion rights.

Among Oklahomans, Mr. Cook and Mr. White are hardly alone. Though the state’s Democrats still outnumber its Republicans, you would never know it by looking at the election results. Oklahoma voters went for Senator John McCain by almost two to one, bucking the tide that swept Mr. Obama to the presidency. Not a single one of the state’s 77 counties backed Mr. Obama, despite his endorsement by the popular Democratic governor, Brad Henry.

Oklahoma Republicans also made significant gains down the ticket. They picked up two seats in the State Senate and four in the Oklahoma House, giving them a majority in both houses of the Legislature for the first time in the state’s century-long history. In addition, the party hung on to a United States Senate seat and solidly defeated challengers for the four Congressional seats held by Republicans.

“This is a consolidation of what’s been going on for a long time,” said Keith Gaddie, a political scientist at the University of Oklahoma. “The systematic creep toward the Republican Party, and it’s been happening for 30 years.”

Perhaps nowhere else in the country is the conflict between Southern rural Democrats and the national Democratic Party more starkly evident than in Oklahoma, which has not voted for a Democratic presidential nominee since 1964.

“Oklahoma Democrats, with very few exceptions, are the old-line white Southern Democrats,” said David Ray, another political scientist at the university. “They don’t like liberals or liberalism.”

Indeed, the state has a political landscape closely resembling that of the old solidly Democratic South, especially in its southeastern corner, known as Little Dixie, where many Southerners settled after the Civil War. When conservatives of the Old South began abandoning the party decades ago, Oklahoma’s Democrats lagged behind the historical trend. Further, the state has relatively small black and Hispanic populations, and so the Democrats did not absorb as many new voters from those groups as in the states of the old Confederacy.

These days Oklahoma Democrats dread running for local office in presidential election years, for fear of being associated with liberal nominees at the top of the ticket.

“Being liberal in Oklahoma, with the exception of a few legislative districts, will not get you elected,” said State Representative Joe Dorman, a conservative Democrat.

Ivan Holmes, chairman of the Oklahoma Democratic Party, said there had been no ballot initiative or outcry on any state or local issue that would explain why conservatives of both parties rejected many Democratic candidates this week.

But, Mr. Holmes said, Mr. Obama was badly hurt in the state by rumors that he was not a Christian, that he sympathized with terrorists and that he would take away people’s firearms, a buzz that could not have helped Democrats down the ticket.

In addition, Senator James M. Inhofe, the Republican incumbent, whipped up anti-liberal sentiment in his successful race against a Democratic challenger, State Senator Andrew Rice, accusing him of being “too liberal for Oklahoma” in opposing a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage and voting against tax cuts.

Another Republican, State Representative Sally Kern, who recently declared that homosexuality was a greater threat to the nation than terrorism, easily won re-election.

But Mr. Gaddie said that perhaps the most important factor in Mr. McCain’s strong showing here was religion. An Edison/Mitofsky exit poll found that more than half of Oklahoma voters identified themselves as evangelical Christians and that a heavy majority of them had voted for Mr. McCain.

Mr. Gaddie, himself a pollster as well as a college professor, said: “A question we always ask in our polls is ‘How often do you attend church services?’ If a Democrat is not going to vote for a Democrat, they are a frequent church attender.”

Another advantage for Mr. McCain was that the state’s economy, based mostly on the oil and gas industry, has been buffered somewhat from the national economic slowdown. Unemployment remains low, the housing market stable.

For all of that, the Democratic Party is far from dead in Oklahoma, especially in the state’s southeastern section, where, despite the social conservatism, many people still talk about the New Deal and revere Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Democrats currently hold not only the governorship but also most other statewide offices. And rural voters often register as Democrats because the party’s primaries for sheriff and county commissioner continue to be more important than the general elections for those posts.

But the blows of the recent past have been unmistakable. For the last 14 years, the state’s two senators, and four of its five representatives, have been Republicans. Riding President Bush’s coattails, Republicans also won control of the Oklahoma House in 2004. Now they have won the State Senate.

“If America voted for change, Oklahoma voted for reform,” State Senator Glenn Coffee, the Republican who is soon to be majority leader, said of Tuesday’s elections. “For a long time you had a single-party state.”

At the Arrow Cafe, several lifelong Democrats said they could remember a time 25 years ago when no one would admit to being a Republican, for fear of being ostracized. These days, few people advertise that they are Democrats, though Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in the county by two to one.

Reflecting on the Oklahoma vote in the presidential election just past, Gordon Belshe, a 67-year-old manufacturer of trailer homes who said he had voted for Mr. Obama, suggested that racism had played a role.

“I still think we had a lot of antiblack votes in this state,” Mr. Belshe said. “I had several people ask me how I could vote for him.”

And Mr. White, the man who had said he could not vote for Mr. Obama because of the abortion issue, also acknowledged that he would not have been comfortable voting for a black candidate. “I’m prejudiced,” he whispered. “This is a problem I have to personally work through.”

In truth, it is impossible to tell if racism was a significant factor in Mr. Obama’s poor showing here. According to a statewide exit poll conducted by Edison/Mitofsky, he got the support of 59 percent of white Democrats in the state, compared with the 84 percent he garnered from white Democrats nationwide. Four years ago, however, Senator John Kerry fared little better among white Oklahoma Democrats, getting only 62 percent.

In any event, most of the older Democrats who stopped by the cafe the other day said Mr. Obama’s race had had nothing to do with their decision to support Mr. McCain.

Mr. Cook, the poultry farmer, said Mr. Obama had been insufficiently religious for him. “He don’t believe like a lot of us do,” he said.

And Bill Straughan, a 70-year-old former civilian employee at nearby Tinker Air Force Base, said Mr. Obama “doesn’t have any real résumé.”

“McCain was a prisoner of war longer than Obama was in the Senate,” Mr. Straughan said. “The last reason I would not vote for him was because he’s black.”

white power?

My friend just called. She said she that as she was driving to school earlier today, a guy in a truck was tailgating her. Eventually he pulled along beside her, and yelled "WHITE POWER!" out the window.

I've been thinking about how every single county in Oklahoma voted red, and how the state Senate is republican too...just like the House (which I sincerely lament, as the Democratic Senate majority was one thing that gave me hope for positive direction of the state. Have you seen some of the bills that were initiated in the House??)

And then I'm thinking about proposition 8 in California, and how gay marriage shouldn't even be an issue anywhere when there are children starving to death as I write this. And how Proposition 8 is like saying, "We don't like you, gay people." Please....please explain to me in practical terms why same sex marriage is bad.

I'm also thinking about evangelist voters, and single issue voters who hold 24-hour prayer vigils at IHOP for God's Chosen Candidate to win.

So that leads me to this point: I think that our nation's experiencing growing pains, just like it did during the civil rights era. Not just speaking of equality for same-sex couples, but for other things that we need to press ahead on. I think it's time to move forward, and it's evidenced in our choice for president. However, I think that the other half of the country is digging in their heals against progression. I think they're stuck in the old way...they want to keep things the same. I think the country's passionately polarized, and it's causing people to get worked up. Obviously it's causing the skinheads to come out of the closet. And personally, I'd be ashamed to be racist or homophobic, because it reflects a lack of intelligence.

And back to the racist and same sex marriage issue: I'm tired of the intolerance. I'm ready to move on to important issues, and I'm extremely disappointed that the state I live in disagrees.

I'm sorry...I'm tired, so this might not be coming across as I'd like for it to. Should I only write when I'm feeling coherent and cohesive? Whatever.

Yes We Can became YES, WE DID!!!

I stood in line for an hour to vote this morning, even though the state is saturated with red....

And this evening I went to the watch party at the Skirvin, and it felt so great to be with so many passionate and excited people! A few people ran up to me and asked, "What's going on?" And when I got to tell them, "We won!" They hugged me. I felt so good to have something so important to me in common with so many other good folks. As my friends and I walked to the car, we could hear people cheering on the rooftops around us...it was like a dream!

We went to a local bar to watch Obama's speech. Some guy walked in with a guitar and interrupted with some racist comments. They kicked him out and called the cops.

I can't believe this is happening...change is hard, but the struggle's producing positive fruits right before our eyes!! And when the rest of the world is celebrating with us, it makes me finally feel like I'm part of the world....not living in a country that's against it.

I feel something I've never felt before...love for my country, pride in the people who decided that the country needs to change direction, and I feel that President Obama will restore dignity to the presidency. I have to admit....in the past eight years, I've lost respect for the presidency, but now I'm nearly in tears with pride. I'll be so happy and proud to have Barack Obama as my leader...and to claim my nationality to the rest of the world with pride! :)

It's a Kind of Magic

This morning was like Christmas morning. It was even more exciting than Christmas morning, because Christmas has become about the children, and while it is fun to watch, I don’t get that same tingly excitement that I got when I was a child.

This morning was like running to the tree, as I went to the polls at 6:50 a.m. and stood in the cold wind at the end of a long line. I didn’t care about the cold. I ignored the polite conversation of the people around me. I was focused.

I realized this morning that I was being given a special gift today. I have been voting since 2000. In 1996, it was Clinton, and the world seemed stable, and politics unimportant. This is the first time as a voting adult that I am voting in an election without W. The first time that I won’t see Bush inexplicably win an election. The first time that I think my vote will lead to real, positive change in the nation.

I blissfully cast my vote today. On NPR, a woman described her voting experience as “enchanting.” There is magic in the air today. Today there is the possibility of the impossible; a premonition of what we can be.

At first I was like :/ and then I LOLd! :D

1. I'm on facebook, and a friend posted something promoting Obama. One of his friends left the following comment in response:

"U may end up loosing more than ur status if u vote Obama...may end up loosing freedom our forefathers died 4. Hitler wanted change as well."


2. Speaking of LOLing, here's the original (a), and the SNL skit (b):

a.

b.

3. Maybe I heard I read that

4. So there's this guy I've kind of had my eye on for a while. He works at a restaurant that I go to from time to time. I don't know anything about him, except that he's cute. And I have a feeling that he thinks the same about me...maybe(?) So um....what do I do? How do I know if he has a girlfriend or what? I haven't asked a guy out since I was in high school. Help me out, sisters.

You know you're too drunk to post when

you can't remember your password. So I totally pass the test. It took me a couple of tries to get it, but I made it. I had something important to post. Let's see.

I didn't get much play, (oh yeah, went to a party) but I got drunk, was offered tequila and a ride to another party by a guy in a sombrero, and the host showed me a card trick, while being all over me.

My sister made me stop drinking and come home (bless her little soul) but once I came home, I thought to myself, why can't you have a man who appreciates a drunk bitch, and wants to watch MST3k and cartoons, and wants to fuck.

I'm currently trying to soak up the alcohol and watching space ghost, too numb to feel much of anything.