I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, but Hulu.com is an awesome site. I now can watch Death Note through at my leisure. There is also some other really great content, tv shows, movies, etc. Now you can all watch Death Note. I'm sure you'll rush over there.
The anime is strikingly similar to the manga, most anime differs in some way, but Death Note is almost like a transcription. I guess that the story was good enough that they didn't want to disturb it. I know, I'm of one mind recently, all about Death Note, but, in my defense, it is really inspirational, both to the writer and artist in me.
But I have been wasting time in other ways, watching The Office Season 3 that I got me for Christmas, playing cards with the kids, and learning to play SuperSmash Bros. Brawl on the Wii. It's a big learning curve. I can beat the four-year-old, that's about it.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
And the Ass Saw the Angel
About a week ago I finished reading And the Ass Saw the Angel by Nick Cave. This is from the back cover:
"Outcast, mute, a lone twin cut from a drunk mother in a shack full of junk, Euchrid Eucrow of Ukolore inhabits a nightmarish Southern valley of preachers and prophets, incest and ignorance. When the God-fearing folk of the town declare a foundling child to be chosen by the Almighty, Euchrid is disturbed. He sees her very differently, and his conviction, and increasing isolation and insanity, may have terrible consequences for them both. Compelling and astonishing in its baroque richness, Nick Cave’s acclaimed first novel is a fantastic journey into the twisted world of Deep Southern Gothic tragedy."
That said, this is one of those books that I wish I’d never read so I can enjoy reading it again for the first time. It’s like Christmas, and I read very slowly towards the end so I could savor it. The imagery is so brilliant, that I went to work the next day after reading it thinking I’d watched a movie the night before.
A major theme is about those people who are marginalized by society, why they’re marginalized, and how the marginalization affects them. And the Ass Saw the Angel is full of marginalized characters: Cosey Mo is a prostitute who is lovely in Euchrid’s eyes, Euchrid himself who is daydreamy and curious, but is assumed to be stupid and crazy, his quiet father, the only intelligent child of a severely inbred family.
Normally while reading a story, I can’t help but try to discern who the bad and good characters are supposed to be. But ATASTA blurs these definitions. The mainstream is the church people, the Ukulites, who purport to uphold what is pure and righteous, but then unleash heinous acts of violence against the people they’ve marginalized in the community: the prostitute, the crazy mute, the alcoholic. It’s no surprise that what they deem as putrid isn’t nearly as vile as the hate and violence that seethes inside them.
Throughout the book, Euchrid becomes increasingly more insane, and begins to commit more obscure acts of violence. I still can’t dislike Euchrid. It seems that in the beginning, his insanity was a seed that only grew wild because of the violence and indifference inflicted on him by his mother and the townspeople. I think it reflects a case of biology influenced by environment, which makes me sad when I think about our own stories in relation to our contemporary society.
Other than that, the story, the prose, the characters are heart-breakingly beautiful.
Here's another blog on it (but it's a spoiler on some of the action)
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Only in my hometown...
Most of my friends have left their hometown, never to return. Once you leave, I think it would be impossible to move back…well; at least that is my case. For example, I was the poor kid at the private school. I realize that my mom wanted the best for me and I helped round out the rich kids and their snobbiness (not that I didn’t pick some of it up). When you leave your hometown, you realize that you can re-invent yourself and leave old insecurities behind. Readers, you may find this hard to believe, but in my hometown, I am quite reserved and quiet. I often catch myself staring and wonder what I missed by not being in the class of rich and upper class of my hometown. Those 3 women in my previous post on ‘Reverence,’ are a part of that upper class that I am not a member. This is an old town, with old money and old memories. No matter what, even if I made a million, to these people I would still be nouveau rich and never part of that inner circle.
For example, my good friend is a very good attorney and very smart. She pretty much produces more work for a secretary than four attorneys. She is on her way to partner in her firm. One of the inner rich circles of the rich of our hometown is an attorney at a rival firm. She will not even acknowledge that she exists let alone they are from the same home town. I find this funny in the city the size of our capital. Leaving your roots frees most people of their fears.
I hate that I feel like I am on the outside looking in with these people when I come here. I don’t have the passport to make it to the other side of the fence. The few chances I have had to get to the other side, I have run from them…. Where I live now, I embrace every opportunity to do so…more like run if I am invited. For some reason, I feel it is my place not to go in this snobby, clique place… otherwise; I walk in everywhere else and situation like I own the place. I am glad this *fear* hasn’t followed around the world and into my real life. After examining this, I realized that I will never be able to move into a small town! Big cities only! :)
NOTE: What blows me away is that I never, ever, see this clique at Wal-Mart EVER. Surely, they don't by their toilet paper out of town, too, or pay their house keepers to do it? I guess that most of them don't work so they might not go during the weekends...or, they pay someone! LOL! :)
For example, my good friend is a very good attorney and very smart. She pretty much produces more work for a secretary than four attorneys. She is on her way to partner in her firm. One of the inner rich circles of the rich of our hometown is an attorney at a rival firm. She will not even acknowledge that she exists let alone they are from the same home town. I find this funny in the city the size of our capital. Leaving your roots frees most people of their fears.
I hate that I feel like I am on the outside looking in with these people when I come here. I don’t have the passport to make it to the other side of the fence. The few chances I have had to get to the other side, I have run from them…. Where I live now, I embrace every opportunity to do so…more like run if I am invited. For some reason, I feel it is my place not to go in this snobby, clique place… otherwise; I walk in everywhere else and situation like I own the place. I am glad this *fear* hasn’t followed around the world and into my real life. After examining this, I realized that I will never be able to move into a small town! Big cities only! :)
NOTE: What blows me away is that I never, ever, see this clique at Wal-Mart EVER. Surely, they don't by their toilet paper out of town, too, or pay their house keepers to do it? I guess that most of them don't work so they might not go during the weekends...or, they pay someone! LOL! :)
Reverance
I usually don’t go to Midnight Mass because when I went with my mom at 11 or so, the church was so packed with people, it made it quite unpleasant. My mom said “I had NO IDEA ‘so and so’ was Catholic”. Anyway, since I missed the last Sunday in Advent, I thought I better go to at least one Mass on Christmas.
I saw some people I hadn’t seen in 100 years. In particular, I saw 3 sisters who I have known my whole life. These girls were never very pretty but they worked with what they had and could because they came from money. Their mom was my pre-school teacher a 100 years ago and their family seem to always have their hand into some money making plan that suits their needs at the time. As I looked at these women I knew as girls, I was taken aback. None of them could sit still during Mass; they couldn’t control themselves from turning around and looking at people, fidgeting with their hair, whispering and just really unbelievable. I know you come from money; a lot of things can be excused but at 33+++ for each of those girls is really unacceptable. I know the saying “you are always 17 in your hometown” BS but at 17, you should be able to control yourself during Midnight Mass and show some reverence. I am surprised that they didn’t whip out their cell phones and start texting… I guess money doesn’t buy reverence or maturity.
I also have to throw in that I was jealous. Each one of them had a matching diamond earrings that I can only assume that *Santa* brought to them on Christmas Eve. I thought they must be so spoiled that their parent’s have to get them the same earrings so there is no fighting among them in their 30s for expensive gifts…
The only thing I am not jealous of is their nose/ teeth combination. OMG. I think these three girls have the ugliest noses/teeth combination I have ever seen. I would rather not get diamond earrings and have extra ass than have these nose/horse teeth combination. Each one has a different combo and each equally ugly. Maybe their rich daddy should have taken them to the plastic surgeon instead of going to the jewelry store…and they were always goofy girls so they are probably goofy, unsophisticated women…so, I know they don’t make up for their lot in life with personality…
I saw some people I hadn’t seen in 100 years. In particular, I saw 3 sisters who I have known my whole life. These girls were never very pretty but they worked with what they had and could because they came from money. Their mom was my pre-school teacher a 100 years ago and their family seem to always have their hand into some money making plan that suits their needs at the time. As I looked at these women I knew as girls, I was taken aback. None of them could sit still during Mass; they couldn’t control themselves from turning around and looking at people, fidgeting with their hair, whispering and just really unbelievable. I know you come from money; a lot of things can be excused but at 33+++ for each of those girls is really unacceptable. I know the saying “you are always 17 in your hometown” BS but at 17, you should be able to control yourself during Midnight Mass and show some reverence. I am surprised that they didn’t whip out their cell phones and start texting… I guess money doesn’t buy reverence or maturity.
I also have to throw in that I was jealous. Each one of them had a matching diamond earrings that I can only assume that *Santa* brought to them on Christmas Eve. I thought they must be so spoiled that their parent’s have to get them the same earrings so there is no fighting among them in their 30s for expensive gifts…
The only thing I am not jealous of is their nose/ teeth combination. OMG. I think these three girls have the ugliest noses/teeth combination I have ever seen. I would rather not get diamond earrings and have extra ass than have these nose/horse teeth combination. Each one has a different combo and each equally ugly. Maybe their rich daddy should have taken them to the plastic surgeon instead of going to the jewelry store…and they were always goofy girls so they are probably goofy, unsophisticated women…so, I know they don’t make up for their lot in life with personality…
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Bing!
Around the tender age of 11, I developed the crush that ate Chicago on Bing Crosby. While my contemporaries were crushing on Cory Haim (or other such Cory’s), the New Kids on the Block, or someone from Saved By the Bell, I was watching the Road To movies with Bing and Bob Hope and wishing I was Dorothy L’Amour or Rosemary Clooney. He’s everywhere this time of year, and I revisit that time of life when I swooned for him like the teenage girls of the forties.
Christmas to me is Bing Crosby. His voice was, and remains transporting for me. He has sung for my family every year at Christmas since I can remember. Now, I reflect on the slow, dreamy quality of his voice that represents how Christmas should be. Meaningful and slow, rich and full, comfortable and comforting. All I would like to do right now is make a warm drink and cuddle on the couch with someone and watch White Christmas and Holiday Inn back to back.
Christmas to me is Bing Crosby. His voice was, and remains transporting for me. He has sung for my family every year at Christmas since I can remember. Now, I reflect on the slow, dreamy quality of his voice that represents how Christmas should be. Meaningful and slow, rich and full, comfortable and comforting. All I would like to do right now is make a warm drink and cuddle on the couch with someone and watch White Christmas and Holiday Inn back to back.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sadie, Sadie Single Lady
A response to Sadie the Married Lady:
I'm thirty-one and have never been married. I have a string of failed relationships behind me. Living in Oklahoma doesn't help any, because everyone my age seems to be suckling the hard cock of tradition.
But I've got a split identity that cleaves me into two different personalities.
One personality reacts to the harsh judgments of many local married women. With phrases like, "People like you..." "I'm glad I'm not single," "you must be lonely," and "at least I'm married," I've felt like the brunt of criticism...as if something's wrong with me because I'm thirty-one and not married...unlike (apparently) every thirty-one year old woman in Oklahoma. These kinds of remarks make me feel bad about myself, and I don't like that because I'm a good person.
Despite the above-average success I've had in my life, I still feel like in my family's home community I'm not successful until I'm married. Why? Any idiot can marry any other idiot. And they do.
My other identity sleeps in until 8 am on Saturday and gets up to go for a 4-8 mile run. I go to the farmer's market and come home to work on one of my gardens. I grow my own flowers and vegetables, and eat relatively healthy, except for chocolate mousse and champagne at intervals. I paint on canvas or wood, or do some other creative projects. At nights I go out, or stay in and make elaborate dinners for my close friends. Or I stay in and read. Read in bed or the bathtub with candles and scented oils. Often on weekends, I have an overnight guest, male or female, or sometimes I prefer to sleep alone in the middle of my bed. The cherry on my experience is the luxury of leisure. This identity is happy and content, and pours my heart out to the world around me, as it lets the world pour it's exhilaration for living into me.
What I appreciate is a single or married woman who can love and appreciate me for who I am...single or married. I appreciate my women friends, married or single, who still maintain their own identity and personal strength. And who know that with or without a man, we've all got each other common.
What I don't appreciate is those married women who perpetuate the stereotype that being single is the sad alternative. I've been in your houses, I've seen your husbands, and the undesirable things that make me want to close my ears and eyes to this chaos of yours that I'm not accustomed to. The truth is, if you criticize me, 1.) you appear to be concealing insecurity and latent discontentment, and 2). you open the door for me to criticize your lifestyle choice.
I have two college degrees, have served on boards and traveled to most major cities in the US to do so. I have visited 14+ countries, have done commercial and runway modeling and still get stopped in the street by curious men. At 3 am on a school night when a girl or boyfriend calls sobbing, I put on my shoes and coat, and drive until I find them to give comfort. I'll do anything for my friends. And if a friend says, "Can you meet me in Wandsworth Town next Thursday?" I can and will. I have many friends, close loving friends, many interests and activities and access to leisure time. I can drive an hour just to tuck my Grandma into bed if I'd like...even at 2 am after getting off the phone with her (though she's so independent, she protests that she can tuck herself in).
My life only has the routine that I create for it. And if I don't like that routine, if I don't like that town or those people, I can move on. Every day can be what I make it, and living the way I chose is lovely. And by the way, I'd take a bullet for your children as long as you raise them with confidence and a self-possession like your own.
Other than that, I'm sure that you know as well as I do that your husband wants to do things to me that you'd cringe to imagine.
So leave me alone with the happy, loopy, childlike freedom of the unmarried life. Love me, and I'll worship you. Ask any of my women friends.
Something About the Eyes
Death Note is addictive and intoxicating in a lot of ways. The story and characters are great, unexpected and genre-defying in many ways. But the art–the art is mind-shatteringly beautiful. At first, it seems strange and harsh, maybe even grotesque. As I continue in the series, though, it makes me sigh and pause to just look and take in the drawings.
The main character, Light, experiences a reversal of character in book 4 or 5, I can’t remember which. He loses his ambition for godhood and his power to cause death. And when he does, his eyes change. His gorgeous, half-closed, and penetrating eyes become wide-open windows into his pure soul. The change was startling and unwelcome.
The change in the character’s actions and words are not so hard for me. But his eyes are changed, feel wrong. I never knew there could be so much power invested in what seems to be a somewhat insignificant detail. Just the width of the character’s eyes.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sadie, Sadie Married Lady
I’m sure that’s from a musical somewhere. This morning I was talking to a guy at work who had just gotten married. Rarely have I seen a man glow, but this one did, with a soft and serene light. It helped me to firm up some ideas that I’ve been having about marriage.
Some of my friends devoutly wish to be married, which I tend to dismiss. (Sorry, ladies) I’ve seen the other side, I’ve been involved in a relationship which I’m discovering is more dysfunctional than I could have ever imagined. Since most of the emotions I’ve had about marriage in the last few years have been unpleasant, I tend to think that the single ladies are much better off.
But since making the announcement that the marriage is over, I have started to see married people in a new light. My friends the Trents are completely gone on each other, and such a unit. It is amazing to see. They make me wish for something similar one day. The newlyweds glow and sigh, and couples that have been married for 40 years amaze me (even though I secretly suspect that they have driven each other crazy long ago.)
From the outside, the institution of marriage seems somewhat mystical. People wear rings, and talk about their husband or wife, and when they talk or think about their significant other, they get the strangest look on their faces. I can see that if you’ve never been a part of such a supernatural alliance it would seem all important. I’m divided on the whole subject. I swear that I’m never going to get caught up in that again. But then again, the more single I get, the more wistful I feel.
Some of my friends devoutly wish to be married, which I tend to dismiss. (Sorry, ladies) I’ve seen the other side, I’ve been involved in a relationship which I’m discovering is more dysfunctional than I could have ever imagined. Since most of the emotions I’ve had about marriage in the last few years have been unpleasant, I tend to think that the single ladies are much better off.
But since making the announcement that the marriage is over, I have started to see married people in a new light. My friends the Trents are completely gone on each other, and such a unit. It is amazing to see. They make me wish for something similar one day. The newlyweds glow and sigh, and couples that have been married for 40 years amaze me (even though I secretly suspect that they have driven each other crazy long ago.)
From the outside, the institution of marriage seems somewhat mystical. People wear rings, and talk about their husband or wife, and when they talk or think about their significant other, they get the strangest look on their faces. I can see that if you’ve never been a part of such a supernatural alliance it would seem all important. I’m divided on the whole subject. I swear that I’m never going to get caught up in that again. But then again, the more single I get, the more wistful I feel.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
free audiobooks, hippies!
Librivox, free audiobooks in the public domain recorded by the common people—If that’s not modern hippie commune material, I don’t know what is.
I’m currently listening to Fanny Hill: The Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. It is something that we talked about in grad school, but I never got a chance to read. You know it is relevant to my interests.
The fun thing about the hippie commune recordings is that you have a wide variety of voices reading the books, even with the same book. For this book, the first reader is Chip, from Tampa. He sounds like he should be reading for MovieFone. What’s even better about this is that he has a really deep voice, and the book is written from the perspective of Fanny herself, so phrases like “my innocence” and “when I was a girl” are read by a guy you know is a bass in the barbershop quartet. The payoff is in part two, when a guy with a very sexy British accent picks up the reading. I’m not to part three, but I sampled it, and it is a woman. She sounds blond and bubbly. We’ll see how it works out.
And this is some pretty hot stuff, or I’m deprived or have a thing for archaic language. I may finally get my wish for a bizarre little kink.
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/20028
I’m currently listening to Fanny Hill: The Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. It is something that we talked about in grad school, but I never got a chance to read. You know it is relevant to my interests.
The fun thing about the hippie commune recordings is that you have a wide variety of voices reading the books, even with the same book. For this book, the first reader is Chip, from Tampa. He sounds like he should be reading for MovieFone. What’s even better about this is that he has a really deep voice, and the book is written from the perspective of Fanny herself, so phrases like “my innocence” and “when I was a girl” are read by a guy you know is a bass in the barbershop quartet. The payoff is in part two, when a guy with a very sexy British accent picks up the reading. I’m not to part three, but I sampled it, and it is a woman. She sounds blond and bubbly. We’ll see how it works out.
And this is some pretty hot stuff, or I’m deprived or have a thing for archaic language. I may finally get my wish for a bizarre little kink.
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/20028
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Outter...
I admit…I am a dating site outter. I cruise the online dating sites, looking for anyone I might know. I don’t see any different than going out to a bar to cruise guys…you just get to know who they and what their diet is before you every speak to them.
I get most uncomfortable when I run into ads from guys I work with or went to school with…that is very uncomfortable!
It is almost the same as outing a GAY but not as serious!
I get most uncomfortable when I run into ads from guys I work with or went to school with…that is very uncomfortable!
It is almost the same as outing a GAY but not as serious!
Friday, December 12, 2008
And the Ass Saw the Angel
I'm reading what I think is my favorite book in the entire world. Maybe.
It's And the Ass Saw the Angel by Nick Cave. It's dark, terribly disturbing and beautiful.
"Suddenly Mule stiffed and fell silent, as though ossified. The clouds of red dust engulfed the beast, then fell away and settled in veils at his feet. We stared at each other. Mule, it seemed, was cast in lead and draped in falling red veils. Dread crawled over Mule and sat like a king in all the places of his face. His lips curled back to reveal huge yellow teeth. He frothed. He foamed. His demented eyes egged in their orbits as if they were being laid. And all the while he goggled horribly, over mah shoulder, at it coming."
Monday, December 8, 2008
Where are they tonight
I read this article today, and I can't stop thinking about it. Prostitution was a mystery to me, something that I thought people did due to their drug addictions. But now I think about it completely differently, and I can't believe how rampant and unchecked it is. Here's the article How Prostitution Works. It opened my eyes to so many things, and made me think.
One thing that occurred to me after reading this article is how glamorized pimps are in mainstream society right now. Sexual inequality is extremely pronounced in prostitution. The women are victims of violence...if it was your mother or sister, wouldn't you be angry? And the men who commit the violence are glorified by society.
Another issue it brought up is that it seems like when someone robs a bank or kidnaps a person or a vehicle or whatever, the crime is acknowledged by the cops and the newspaper. The criminals are sought and punished. So why is prostitution so rampant and it seems....acceptable? Why does the law not do more to aggressively address prostitution, and why are there not aggressive ad campaigns to illicit compassion for the victims of prostitution? Why is there not education in the mainstream about what's really going on?
I think the law doesn't do more against prostitution because the women aren't like me or you reporting a stolen car. I'm an educated white middle-class women, and that somehow gives me rights that aren't given to prostitutes.
I thought also of the women's self-esteem. How could they ever think that they'd be able to merge with a society that thinks so poorly of them? Their self-esteems are broken, but how could they attempt to reach out to society for support and protection, when society rejects them and views them as garbage?
And abuse: especially if you're raised in an abusive home, that's your world. Why should you expect anything different from the real world? You don't know anything different, so you're more likely to accept the abuse. That's why I like YWCA's slogan: Eliminating Racism, Empowering Women. I feel like empowerment comes about through building self-esteem. I want to see these women rehabilitated and recovered enough to say, "Oh, fuck no!" when it comes to abusive relationships.
And one final thought, I think building self-esteem for women and respect from men begins when they're boys and girls. I know schools can't always nurture this, but maybe other programs for outreach. I think girls need to know that even if they get shit at home, they don't have to put up with shit from the rest of the world.
Here are a couple of interviews with prostitutes in OKC. They're difficult to watch, but they made me angry about the situation of girls and women all over the world.
Yvonne
Mary
One thing that occurred to me after reading this article is how glamorized pimps are in mainstream society right now. Sexual inequality is extremely pronounced in prostitution. The women are victims of violence...if it was your mother or sister, wouldn't you be angry? And the men who commit the violence are glorified by society.
Another issue it brought up is that it seems like when someone robs a bank or kidnaps a person or a vehicle or whatever, the crime is acknowledged by the cops and the newspaper. The criminals are sought and punished. So why is prostitution so rampant and it seems....acceptable? Why does the law not do more to aggressively address prostitution, and why are there not aggressive ad campaigns to illicit compassion for the victims of prostitution? Why is there not education in the mainstream about what's really going on?
I think the law doesn't do more against prostitution because the women aren't like me or you reporting a stolen car. I'm an educated white middle-class women, and that somehow gives me rights that aren't given to prostitutes.
I thought also of the women's self-esteem. How could they ever think that they'd be able to merge with a society that thinks so poorly of them? Their self-esteems are broken, but how could they attempt to reach out to society for support and protection, when society rejects them and views them as garbage?
And abuse: especially if you're raised in an abusive home, that's your world. Why should you expect anything different from the real world? You don't know anything different, so you're more likely to accept the abuse. That's why I like YWCA's slogan: Eliminating Racism, Empowering Women. I feel like empowerment comes about through building self-esteem. I want to see these women rehabilitated and recovered enough to say, "Oh, fuck no!" when it comes to abusive relationships.
And one final thought, I think building self-esteem for women and respect from men begins when they're boys and girls. I know schools can't always nurture this, but maybe other programs for outreach. I think girls need to know that even if they get shit at home, they don't have to put up with shit from the rest of the world.
Here are a couple of interviews with prostitutes in OKC. They're difficult to watch, but they made me angry about the situation of girls and women all over the world.
Yvonne
Mary
Friday, December 5, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Stay warm inside
I keep thinking about what a strange time we're living in. Not that I expected to go through life without experiencing any of the insanity that my grandparents did during the great depression and two World Wars. Or maybe I did...maybe I thought the security of my childhood would extend into forever. Grandpa had fought the demons with his heroic strength and fearlessness to sit back in his old age and provide security and tenderness to his grandchildren. As a side note, it seems that without him, my security in unconditional love is lamentably uncertain.
Earlier, I was washing some laundry in the kitchen sink and reflecting with a heavy heart on the most recent events in India. I wondered if a war is beginning to brew between Pakistan and India. I read on CNN today about Rwanda, and have a helpless understanding that the violence (poverty and AIDS) in Africa is far from being over. There's the report I heard about on NPR that within five years there's certain to be another terrorist attack in the West. And then our own individual, but nationally collective, spiral into economic crisis.
When I was a child I believed in something good and redeeming. That hope could come even in the darkness moments. But at thirty-one I realize that I don't believe in anything any more. After so many years of awakening to the willingness of human beings to inflict pain or death on others, I don't believe that there's a light at the end of anyone's tunnel.
So what keeps me going without a secure personal foundation of love, a sense of home to return to, uncertain beliefs for anything beyond this world, hope for peace and compassion to prevail over violence and apathy?
I think there's an answer. I think there's potential for compassion and love everywhere. Each of us just has to chose it. I think there's hope and disappointment, pain and delight in every human experience. I do believe in one thing that's eternal: the capacity of the human spirit to love, to give selflessly, to make decisions that will affect others in positive ways, and even throw some creativity out into the world. The answer's in that feeling we get when we go out of the way to help a patron find a picture of their great-grandfather, or bring some magazines by a friend's house when she's laid up with a broken leg. Or I don't know...like making enough soup to share with friends.
And for our own pockets of personal experience, I believe it's how we use the opportunity in each moment...or the more positive moments...to enjoy the simple things that emerge from daily existence and activity. As I rinsed my laundry in the sink, I took advantage of that time to reflect: many people are hurting in this world right now, tomorrow it could be me. But for now, I'm going to enjoy this music...this moment, the textures and smells and colors, and the quiet of the night.
Earlier, I was washing some laundry in the kitchen sink and reflecting with a heavy heart on the most recent events in India. I wondered if a war is beginning to brew between Pakistan and India. I read on CNN today about Rwanda, and have a helpless understanding that the violence (poverty and AIDS) in Africa is far from being over. There's the report I heard about on NPR that within five years there's certain to be another terrorist attack in the West. And then our own individual, but nationally collective, spiral into economic crisis.
When I was a child I believed in something good and redeeming. That hope could come even in the darkness moments. But at thirty-one I realize that I don't believe in anything any more. After so many years of awakening to the willingness of human beings to inflict pain or death on others, I don't believe that there's a light at the end of anyone's tunnel.
So what keeps me going without a secure personal foundation of love, a sense of home to return to, uncertain beliefs for anything beyond this world, hope for peace and compassion to prevail over violence and apathy?
I think there's an answer. I think there's potential for compassion and love everywhere. Each of us just has to chose it. I think there's hope and disappointment, pain and delight in every human experience. I do believe in one thing that's eternal: the capacity of the human spirit to love, to give selflessly, to make decisions that will affect others in positive ways, and even throw some creativity out into the world. The answer's in that feeling we get when we go out of the way to help a patron find a picture of their great-grandfather, or bring some magazines by a friend's house when she's laid up with a broken leg. Or I don't know...like making enough soup to share with friends.
And for our own pockets of personal experience, I believe it's how we use the opportunity in each moment...or the more positive moments...to enjoy the simple things that emerge from daily existence and activity. As I rinsed my laundry in the sink, I took advantage of that time to reflect: many people are hurting in this world right now, tomorrow it could be me. But for now, I'm going to enjoy this music...this moment, the textures and smells and colors, and the quiet of the night.
Monday, December 1, 2008
it's like that disco song, but much sadder.
I’m leaving. Yeah, we’ve played these games before, though it’s usually you doing the leaving. I don’t understand how things have gotten to the way they are now, but the situation is intolerable, so the only choice I have is to go. It’s either live in pain for sixty years, or go and make them mine, whether they turn out good or bad.
You treat me badly. You’ve treated me badly for years. You ignore me, punish me with silence, critique everything from my choice in entertainment to friends to my technique in bed. You dislike my ambition, my love for education. You have convinced me to change for you without asking. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m doing all the things for a guy that I said I’ve never do: change my personality and my behaviors, and put off my dreams, and sacrifice what is important to me.
You’ve ignored my needs; I have sex only when I force the issue, which is usually about once every three months. Yet, I find you in front of the computer about 2-3 nights a week. I don’t remember the last time you kissed me. That is the part that I’m most ashamed of. You may act like it is me avoiding the physical affection in our relationship, but you describe the sensation of me touching you as “weird.” I can put my arms around you and you remain motionless. I’ve dealt with that for a long time.
So why have I stayed? You are a good father. I come home at night, and the kids are happy. I like seeing them happy. I love sharing the kids with someone who loves them the same way I love them. I promised myself as a child of 13 that I’d never put my kids through a divorce. It complicates everyone’s lives, and there are all kinds of difficult considerations: living arrangements, money, emotional health and security for the kids.
But I finally have reached that place my mother must have reached when I was 13. I can’t do it anymore. If I stay, it’s a death sentence. So I’ll go. And I’ll most likely be happy again, but it will take years to undo the damage.
You treat me badly. You’ve treated me badly for years. You ignore me, punish me with silence, critique everything from my choice in entertainment to friends to my technique in bed. You dislike my ambition, my love for education. You have convinced me to change for you without asking. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m doing all the things for a guy that I said I’ve never do: change my personality and my behaviors, and put off my dreams, and sacrifice what is important to me.
You’ve ignored my needs; I have sex only when I force the issue, which is usually about once every three months. Yet, I find you in front of the computer about 2-3 nights a week. I don’t remember the last time you kissed me. That is the part that I’m most ashamed of. You may act like it is me avoiding the physical affection in our relationship, but you describe the sensation of me touching you as “weird.” I can put my arms around you and you remain motionless. I’ve dealt with that for a long time.
So why have I stayed? You are a good father. I come home at night, and the kids are happy. I like seeing them happy. I love sharing the kids with someone who loves them the same way I love them. I promised myself as a child of 13 that I’d never put my kids through a divorce. It complicates everyone’s lives, and there are all kinds of difficult considerations: living arrangements, money, emotional health and security for the kids.
But I finally have reached that place my mother must have reached when I was 13. I can’t do it anymore. If I stay, it’s a death sentence. So I’ll go. And I’ll most likely be happy again, but it will take years to undo the damage.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The best things in life are
Today's thanksgiving and my thirty-first birthday. I began my special day by taking my first dose of prozac.
It's not a secret. I'm depressed, and I haven't been able to shake it since my Grandfather got sick and passed away in the Fall of 2006.
The thing about depression is that it can take a depressed person a long time to work up the motivation to get help. I made it to that point. I endured apathy to find out what psychologists took my insurance and made an appointment with one. I've been going to her once a month since April. That's for forty-five minutes every four weeks. Forty dollars for forty-five minutes every four weeks.
And I'm worse than I've been in months. So today, at the prompting of my good friends, I went to my regular physician for anti-depressants. I told him I was quitting my psychologist, and we talked about how I should be going at least once a week....he preferred twice a week. He gave me prozac (as Dad says: "Yay prozac.")
I feel like I've done well with the process, and things are finally beginning to move back in the upwards direction. Getting drugs, talking to supportive friends...it's very much helped me in initiating improvements.
However, I've hit a road block. While my former counselor suggested I find a way to stick with my psychologist, I find it really ironic that someone who's suffering from a deep debilitating depression can't afford to get real help. I can't afford to go four times a month ($160). I'm a simple person...I have nothing else to cut out of my budget to accommodate that. On top of all this, my insurance is going up next year, meaning I'll be making $30-$80 less on my paycheck every month. And finally, my co-pay is going up to $45. I'm finding myself slipping through a loophole again.
I'm searching for a counseling clinic with a sliding scale payment plan. I'm terribly nervous that I'll make too much money to qualify for their sliding scale (yet, too little to be able to pay for services at regular cost). It doesn't make me feel any better about myself that I can't afford help. Somehow I can't help but feel like it says something about my personal worth.
And I hope that this birthday day isn't foreshadowing of what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. However, my prozac prescription? It's free!!
It's not a secret. I'm depressed, and I haven't been able to shake it since my Grandfather got sick and passed away in the Fall of 2006.
The thing about depression is that it can take a depressed person a long time to work up the motivation to get help. I made it to that point. I endured apathy to find out what psychologists took my insurance and made an appointment with one. I've been going to her once a month since April. That's for forty-five minutes every four weeks. Forty dollars for forty-five minutes every four weeks.
And I'm worse than I've been in months. So today, at the prompting of my good friends, I went to my regular physician for anti-depressants. I told him I was quitting my psychologist, and we talked about how I should be going at least once a week....he preferred twice a week. He gave me prozac (as Dad says: "Yay prozac.")
I feel like I've done well with the process, and things are finally beginning to move back in the upwards direction. Getting drugs, talking to supportive friends...it's very much helped me in initiating improvements.
However, I've hit a road block. While my former counselor suggested I find a way to stick with my psychologist, I find it really ironic that someone who's suffering from a deep debilitating depression can't afford to get real help. I can't afford to go four times a month ($160). I'm a simple person...I have nothing else to cut out of my budget to accommodate that. On top of all this, my insurance is going up next year, meaning I'll be making $30-$80 less on my paycheck every month. And finally, my co-pay is going up to $45. I'm finding myself slipping through a loophole again.
I'm searching for a counseling clinic with a sliding scale payment plan. I'm terribly nervous that I'll make too much money to qualify for their sliding scale (yet, too little to be able to pay for services at regular cost). It doesn't make me feel any better about myself that I can't afford help. Somehow I can't help but feel like it says something about my personal worth.
And I hope that this birthday day isn't foreshadowing of what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. However, my prozac prescription? It's free!!
Monday, November 24, 2008
In FY09, I am going on a debt diet.
I realized that I may *need* a new car in FY09 since I have 96K miles on my car and I need to see what I can afford. In accordance with my calculations, I should have an excess of $439.00 per month to spend on a car payment however, it seems I am always dipping into my saving account to pay off a bill….or whipping out the Old Visa to put gas in my car. SO, from this day on, I will give myself a $25 luxury item a pay period and see if I can save a car payment a month and deal in cash only. No more Amazon.Com purchases, no more new shoes, no more antique furniture, no more trips to Hasting’s, no more Made In China Wal-Mart crap…only the library from now on and wear what I have and get rid of the Made in China crap from Wal-Mart! I am tired of RED!!!! I want to operate in the BLACK AGAIN!
I realized that I may *need* a new car in FY09 since I have 96K miles on my car and I need to see what I can afford. In accordance with my calculations, I should have an excess of $439.00 per month to spend on a car payment however, it seems I am always dipping into my saving account to pay off a bill….or whipping out the Old Visa to put gas in my car. SO, from this day on, I will give myself a $25 luxury item a pay period and see if I can save a car payment a month and deal in cash only. No more Amazon.Com purchases, no more new shoes, no more antique furniture, no more trips to Hasting’s, no more Made In China Wal-Mart crap…only the library from now on and wear what I have and get rid of the Made in China crap from Wal-Mart! I am tired of RED!!!! I want to operate in the BLACK AGAIN!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Juicy Bits!
So um.....I've been reading The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. First time, too. It's fascinating! And it reminds me of this book I read for a class when I was getting my masters. We were supposed to read a romance novel. I don't like the Harlequin paperbacks (not because I'm a snob, but because I just can't get into the stories), so I picked up another book. I can't remember what it's called (DANGIT!), but I remember it took place in a medieval history of a land where the women were dominant and the men submissive. And the women WERE dominant. My professor asked me to read some of the more juicy passages to the class (we were a class full of women).
If I remember it, I'll let you know. And I want to check it out again :)
If I remember it, I'll let you know. And I want to check it out again :)
Friday, November 21, 2008
I feel like, since things haven't turned out the way I thought they would, I should invest some time in helping people less fortunate than me in material or educational ways. But for some reason I can't bring myself to do a damned thing to help anyone. I can't even help myself. I just want to sit here and drink. I'm thinking that I might pull out of it some when spring gets here (because winter's the devil), but I'm pretty certain I'll never be able to transcend my resentment toward certain disappointments.
I think I just need to leave this place as soon as I can. Sure circumstance is close on my heals wherever I go, but at least I'll be able to fight it in a new place. Like maybe a with a white sand beach! And I'll bring all the poor homeless people with me, and we'll have a big party.
I think I just need to leave this place as soon as I can. Sure circumstance is close on my heals wherever I go, but at least I'll be able to fight it in a new place. Like maybe a with a white sand beach! And I'll bring all the poor homeless people with me, and we'll have a big party.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Phoenix Rising
The Phoenix is a mythical bird who burns up and then is reborn from it’s ashes. How beautiful is that?. Myself and at least one other Vixen, have burned up and are in the process of re-creating ourselves from our ashes. The burning is not so pleasant, but it helps to know that you can rebuild. And the rebuilding isn’t easy either, but knowing that you’re starting your life again, fresh and renewed, it is quite empowering.
We find this cycle of ending and beginning again often in nature; our cells shed and regenerate so that we have a completely new epidermis from the one we were born with. Nature is well aware of the importance of shedding the old and exposing the new. I’m happy to say that my fellow Vixen and I are not fighting our rebirth, but are embracing it. I hope that others can recognized this pattern in their lives and embrace it, if for no other reason then to know you are not trapped and the power of change lies in all of us.
Ok, I’m done being totally gay.
(Peace, love and happiness ya’ll.)
[Yeah, I couldn’t help it, LOL]
We find this cycle of ending and beginning again often in nature; our cells shed and regenerate so that we have a completely new epidermis from the one we were born with. Nature is well aware of the importance of shedding the old and exposing the new. I’m happy to say that my fellow Vixen and I are not fighting our rebirth, but are embracing it. I hope that others can recognized this pattern in their lives and embrace it, if for no other reason then to know you are not trapped and the power of change lies in all of us.
Ok, I’m done being totally gay.
(Peace, love and happiness ya’ll.)
[Yeah, I couldn’t help it, LOL]
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Original Political Blog
So riding through podunk towns through East Texas, I discovered something shocking: while there have not always been political blogs, there have been certain venues for such discussions.
I found one such think tank in the restroom of a gas station in a town of roughly 3000 people. I got the outsider stare as I came in, but I think they were just protecting the valuable information contained within.
As I sat on the stall, I was confronted with such gems as "Jesus Loves You" and "Obama is a cunt." Stunningly reasoned. I was impressed the the wide scope and depth of thinking to be found. Bathroom wall punditry: a lost art.
I found one such think tank in the restroom of a gas station in a town of roughly 3000 people. I got the outsider stare as I came in, but I think they were just protecting the valuable information contained within.
As I sat on the stall, I was confronted with such gems as "Jesus Loves You" and "Obama is a cunt." Stunningly reasoned. I was impressed the the wide scope and depth of thinking to be found. Bathroom wall punditry: a lost art.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Burglery and Pawn Shops
I did not know there was a connection until my friend was burglarized last weekend.
It scared me because I would feel violated as well as losing my stuff.
She asked if I would go to a few Pawn shops with her...I said sure...because I am always up to go to a store....
The first one we pulled up, we walked in our work clothes in a Mercedes Benz...I guess they don't see a lot of those at pawn shops because they wouldn't leave us alone. It was very crazy. So, if you are shopping in pawn shops, don't go in good clothes or in fancy car...they want to sell you something! LOL! We couldn't look for her stuff on the down low!
I asked someone what the weirdest thing that someone tried to pawn...it was their gold tooth filling...you must be on hard times to do something like that....
It scared me because I would feel violated as well as losing my stuff.
She asked if I would go to a few Pawn shops with her...I said sure...because I am always up to go to a store....
The first one we pulled up, we walked in our work clothes in a Mercedes Benz...I guess they don't see a lot of those at pawn shops because they wouldn't leave us alone. It was very crazy. So, if you are shopping in pawn shops, don't go in good clothes or in fancy car...they want to sell you something! LOL! We couldn't look for her stuff on the down low!
I asked someone what the weirdest thing that someone tried to pawn...it was their gold tooth filling...you must be on hard times to do something like that....
Monday, November 17, 2008
Change '08
All of a sudden, I feel like I’m surrounded by a world of choices. I feel like I could stand up, walk out of this place, and completely change my life. I realize that I don’t have to be here, I don’t have to live like this. It wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but today, I feel like I’m the mistress of my own destiny. Weird.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Handicap...
My friend is handicap. He walks with 2 crutches and he is very slow to get around. People stare. I feel bad for him when people stare.
Last night, in a bar, a drunk spilled a drink on him. Shit happens....but an appolgy is always in order. So, walking down the street to get him a new t-shirt, I see the offender....I walk up to her and say this..."you know you spilled a drink on my friend." she looks dumbfounded. I say "he walks with 2 crutches....and now we have to go buy him a shirt" Dumb Drunk Ass Bitch (I say in my head) and walk off.... I don't play that....
Anyway, we got our friend a T-Shirt that said "Everyone Love You but Everyone Else Thinks your an ASSHOLE..." That is perfect for a handicap who gets stares...
Last night, in a bar, a drunk spilled a drink on him. Shit happens....but an appolgy is always in order. So, walking down the street to get him a new t-shirt, I see the offender....I walk up to her and say this..."you know you spilled a drink on my friend." she looks dumbfounded. I say "he walks with 2 crutches....and now we have to go buy him a shirt" Dumb Drunk Ass Bitch (I say in my head) and walk off.... I don't play that....
Anyway, we got our friend a T-Shirt that said "Everyone Love You but Everyone Else Thinks your an ASSHOLE..." That is perfect for a handicap who gets stares...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
If a tree falls...
This isn't really related to pop culture. It's related to being a single thirty-something in Oklahoma.
I love where my career's leading me, my new house and neighborhood, and the Oklahoma economy isn't as bad as it is in other places. I have great friends who are my family, and of course my family's here.
I feel like, as a single thirty-something woman, that I've landed in sort of a permanent place relationship-wise. I've dated for a million years, and it hasn't happened yet, so I'm kind of putting in my resignation in on the dating thing. I no longer have the emotional stamina for failure, so it's time to retire the jersey.
So now what I have to decide is if I want to be single in Oklahoma or go find some other state where it's more exciting and encouraging to be in my thirties and single. Do they make places like that? I've lived in Oklahoma all my life, but now I'm coming to a point where I have to choose it. I have to think about why I choose it, and why I'd choose another city to be single in...if the good stuff in the other city is better than what I have here.
I'm just not feeling like I have a place here. At work I've made my place. But regarding issues unrelated to career, I wonder if I could be more valuable somewhere else? Or find more personal fulfillment? Or a solid relationship with some fella?
But I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to be single anywhere right now. I kind of want something to count on at the end of the day...even if it's imperfect or isn't for forever. At least I can feel at home somewhere at some time. I just want to feel what it's like.
Other than that, you gals have fun in NO. I went to dinner with the author who's presenting tomorrow, and he speaks as brilliantly as he writes. I'm looking forward to it.
I love where my career's leading me, my new house and neighborhood, and the Oklahoma economy isn't as bad as it is in other places. I have great friends who are my family, and of course my family's here.
I feel like, as a single thirty-something woman, that I've landed in sort of a permanent place relationship-wise. I've dated for a million years, and it hasn't happened yet, so I'm kind of putting in my resignation in on the dating thing. I no longer have the emotional stamina for failure, so it's time to retire the jersey.
So now what I have to decide is if I want to be single in Oklahoma or go find some other state where it's more exciting and encouraging to be in my thirties and single. Do they make places like that? I've lived in Oklahoma all my life, but now I'm coming to a point where I have to choose it. I have to think about why I choose it, and why I'd choose another city to be single in...if the good stuff in the other city is better than what I have here.
I'm just not feeling like I have a place here. At work I've made my place. But regarding issues unrelated to career, I wonder if I could be more valuable somewhere else? Or find more personal fulfillment? Or a solid relationship with some fella?
But I guess what it comes down to is I don't want to be single anywhere right now. I kind of want something to count on at the end of the day...even if it's imperfect or isn't for forever. At least I can feel at home somewhere at some time. I just want to feel what it's like.
Other than that, you gals have fun in NO. I went to dinner with the author who's presenting tomorrow, and he speaks as brilliantly as he writes. I'm looking forward to it.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
To Lighten Up the Blog...
http://www.gadling.com/galley-gossip/
I travel...and found this this to be funny! :)
Will blog anything interesting from the trip to NO, LA!!! :)
I travel...and found this this to be funny! :)
Will blog anything interesting from the trip to NO, LA!!! :)
Saturday, November 8, 2008
We should be ashamed
From the NY Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/us/politics/08oklahoma.html?_r=1&ref=politics&oref=slogin
Where Tuesday’s Tide Was All Republican
By JAMES C. McKINLEY Jr.
Published: November 7, 2008
OKLAHOMA CITY — The sign over the table at the Arrow Cafe in Tecumseh, a rural town southeast of this state capital, said, “World’s Problems Solved Here,” and beneath it sat five older white Democrats with their coffee, talking politics in the golden afternoon light. Only two had voted for Barack Hussein Obama for president.
Registered Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in Oklahoma, but that was far from evident in the elections.
“I just couldn’t vote for anyone who has Hussein in his name,” joked Bob Cook, a 68-year-old poultry farmer, stretching and smiling. At the other end of the table, Jim White, 65, said he opposed abortion and so could not vote for a candidate like Mr. Obama, who favors abortion rights.
Among Oklahomans, Mr. Cook and Mr. White are hardly alone. Though the state’s Democrats still outnumber its Republicans, you would never know it by looking at the election results. Oklahoma voters went for Senator John McCain by almost two to one, bucking the tide that swept Mr. Obama to the presidency. Not a single one of the state’s 77 counties backed Mr. Obama, despite his endorsement by the popular Democratic governor, Brad Henry.
Oklahoma Republicans also made significant gains down the ticket. They picked up two seats in the State Senate and four in the Oklahoma House, giving them a majority in both houses of the Legislature for the first time in the state’s century-long history. In addition, the party hung on to a United States Senate seat and solidly defeated challengers for the four Congressional seats held by Republicans.
“This is a consolidation of what’s been going on for a long time,” said Keith Gaddie, a political scientist at the University of Oklahoma. “The systematic creep toward the Republican Party, and it’s been happening for 30 years.”
Perhaps nowhere else in the country is the conflict between Southern rural Democrats and the national Democratic Party more starkly evident than in Oklahoma, which has not voted for a Democratic presidential nominee since 1964.
“Oklahoma Democrats, with very few exceptions, are the old-line white Southern Democrats,” said David Ray, another political scientist at the university. “They don’t like liberals or liberalism.”
Indeed, the state has a political landscape closely resembling that of the old solidly Democratic South, especially in its southeastern corner, known as Little Dixie, where many Southerners settled after the Civil War. When conservatives of the Old South began abandoning the party decades ago, Oklahoma’s Democrats lagged behind the historical trend. Further, the state has relatively small black and Hispanic populations, and so the Democrats did not absorb as many new voters from those groups as in the states of the old Confederacy.
These days Oklahoma Democrats dread running for local office in presidential election years, for fear of being associated with liberal nominees at the top of the ticket.
“Being liberal in Oklahoma, with the exception of a few legislative districts, will not get you elected,” said State Representative Joe Dorman, a conservative Democrat.
Ivan Holmes, chairman of the Oklahoma Democratic Party, said there had been no ballot initiative or outcry on any state or local issue that would explain why conservatives of both parties rejected many Democratic candidates this week.
But, Mr. Holmes said, Mr. Obama was badly hurt in the state by rumors that he was not a Christian, that he sympathized with terrorists and that he would take away people’s firearms, a buzz that could not have helped Democrats down the ticket.
In addition, Senator James M. Inhofe, the Republican incumbent, whipped up anti-liberal sentiment in his successful race against a Democratic challenger, State Senator Andrew Rice, accusing him of being “too liberal for Oklahoma” in opposing a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage and voting against tax cuts.
Another Republican, State Representative Sally Kern, who recently declared that homosexuality was a greater threat to the nation than terrorism, easily won re-election.
But Mr. Gaddie said that perhaps the most important factor in Mr. McCain’s strong showing here was religion. An Edison/Mitofsky exit poll found that more than half of Oklahoma voters identified themselves as evangelical Christians and that a heavy majority of them had voted for Mr. McCain.
Mr. Gaddie, himself a pollster as well as a college professor, said: “A question we always ask in our polls is ‘How often do you attend church services?’ If a Democrat is not going to vote for a Democrat, they are a frequent church attender.”
Another advantage for Mr. McCain was that the state’s economy, based mostly on the oil and gas industry, has been buffered somewhat from the national economic slowdown. Unemployment remains low, the housing market stable.
For all of that, the Democratic Party is far from dead in Oklahoma, especially in the state’s southeastern section, where, despite the social conservatism, many people still talk about the New Deal and revere Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Democrats currently hold not only the governorship but also most other statewide offices. And rural voters often register as Democrats because the party’s primaries for sheriff and county commissioner continue to be more important than the general elections for those posts.
But the blows of the recent past have been unmistakable. For the last 14 years, the state’s two senators, and four of its five representatives, have been Republicans. Riding President Bush’s coattails, Republicans also won control of the Oklahoma House in 2004. Now they have won the State Senate.
“If America voted for change, Oklahoma voted for reform,” State Senator Glenn Coffee, the Republican who is soon to be majority leader, said of Tuesday’s elections. “For a long time you had a single-party state.”
At the Arrow Cafe, several lifelong Democrats said they could remember a time 25 years ago when no one would admit to being a Republican, for fear of being ostracized. These days, few people advertise that they are Democrats, though Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in the county by two to one.
Reflecting on the Oklahoma vote in the presidential election just past, Gordon Belshe, a 67-year-old manufacturer of trailer homes who said he had voted for Mr. Obama, suggested that racism had played a role.
“I still think we had a lot of antiblack votes in this state,” Mr. Belshe said. “I had several people ask me how I could vote for him.”
And Mr. White, the man who had said he could not vote for Mr. Obama because of the abortion issue, also acknowledged that he would not have been comfortable voting for a black candidate. “I’m prejudiced,” he whispered. “This is a problem I have to personally work through.”
In truth, it is impossible to tell if racism was a significant factor in Mr. Obama’s poor showing here. According to a statewide exit poll conducted by Edison/Mitofsky, he got the support of 59 percent of white Democrats in the state, compared with the 84 percent he garnered from white Democrats nationwide. Four years ago, however, Senator John Kerry fared little better among white Oklahoma Democrats, getting only 62 percent.
In any event, most of the older Democrats who stopped by the cafe the other day said Mr. Obama’s race had had nothing to do with their decision to support Mr. McCain.
Mr. Cook, the poultry farmer, said Mr. Obama had been insufficiently religious for him. “He don’t believe like a lot of us do,” he said.
And Bill Straughan, a 70-year-old former civilian employee at nearby Tinker Air Force Base, said Mr. Obama “doesn’t have any real résumé.”
“McCain was a prisoner of war longer than Obama was in the Senate,” Mr. Straughan said. “The last reason I would not vote for him was because he’s black.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/us/politics/08oklahoma.html?_r=1&ref=politics&oref=slogin
Where Tuesday’s Tide Was All Republican
By JAMES C. McKINLEY Jr.
Published: November 7, 2008
OKLAHOMA CITY — The sign over the table at the Arrow Cafe in Tecumseh, a rural town southeast of this state capital, said, “World’s Problems Solved Here,” and beneath it sat five older white Democrats with their coffee, talking politics in the golden afternoon light. Only two had voted for Barack Hussein Obama for president.
Registered Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in Oklahoma, but that was far from evident in the elections.
“I just couldn’t vote for anyone who has Hussein in his name,” joked Bob Cook, a 68-year-old poultry farmer, stretching and smiling. At the other end of the table, Jim White, 65, said he opposed abortion and so could not vote for a candidate like Mr. Obama, who favors abortion rights.
Among Oklahomans, Mr. Cook and Mr. White are hardly alone. Though the state’s Democrats still outnumber its Republicans, you would never know it by looking at the election results. Oklahoma voters went for Senator John McCain by almost two to one, bucking the tide that swept Mr. Obama to the presidency. Not a single one of the state’s 77 counties backed Mr. Obama, despite his endorsement by the popular Democratic governor, Brad Henry.
Oklahoma Republicans also made significant gains down the ticket. They picked up two seats in the State Senate and four in the Oklahoma House, giving them a majority in both houses of the Legislature for the first time in the state’s century-long history. In addition, the party hung on to a United States Senate seat and solidly defeated challengers for the four Congressional seats held by Republicans.
“This is a consolidation of what’s been going on for a long time,” said Keith Gaddie, a political scientist at the University of Oklahoma. “The systematic creep toward the Republican Party, and it’s been happening for 30 years.”
Perhaps nowhere else in the country is the conflict between Southern rural Democrats and the national Democratic Party more starkly evident than in Oklahoma, which has not voted for a Democratic presidential nominee since 1964.
“Oklahoma Democrats, with very few exceptions, are the old-line white Southern Democrats,” said David Ray, another political scientist at the university. “They don’t like liberals or liberalism.”
Indeed, the state has a political landscape closely resembling that of the old solidly Democratic South, especially in its southeastern corner, known as Little Dixie, where many Southerners settled after the Civil War. When conservatives of the Old South began abandoning the party decades ago, Oklahoma’s Democrats lagged behind the historical trend. Further, the state has relatively small black and Hispanic populations, and so the Democrats did not absorb as many new voters from those groups as in the states of the old Confederacy.
These days Oklahoma Democrats dread running for local office in presidential election years, for fear of being associated with liberal nominees at the top of the ticket.
“Being liberal in Oklahoma, with the exception of a few legislative districts, will not get you elected,” said State Representative Joe Dorman, a conservative Democrat.
Ivan Holmes, chairman of the Oklahoma Democratic Party, said there had been no ballot initiative or outcry on any state or local issue that would explain why conservatives of both parties rejected many Democratic candidates this week.
But, Mr. Holmes said, Mr. Obama was badly hurt in the state by rumors that he was not a Christian, that he sympathized with terrorists and that he would take away people’s firearms, a buzz that could not have helped Democrats down the ticket.
In addition, Senator James M. Inhofe, the Republican incumbent, whipped up anti-liberal sentiment in his successful race against a Democratic challenger, State Senator Andrew Rice, accusing him of being “too liberal for Oklahoma” in opposing a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage and voting against tax cuts.
Another Republican, State Representative Sally Kern, who recently declared that homosexuality was a greater threat to the nation than terrorism, easily won re-election.
But Mr. Gaddie said that perhaps the most important factor in Mr. McCain’s strong showing here was religion. An Edison/Mitofsky exit poll found that more than half of Oklahoma voters identified themselves as evangelical Christians and that a heavy majority of them had voted for Mr. McCain.
Mr. Gaddie, himself a pollster as well as a college professor, said: “A question we always ask in our polls is ‘How often do you attend church services?’ If a Democrat is not going to vote for a Democrat, they are a frequent church attender.”
Another advantage for Mr. McCain was that the state’s economy, based mostly on the oil and gas industry, has been buffered somewhat from the national economic slowdown. Unemployment remains low, the housing market stable.
For all of that, the Democratic Party is far from dead in Oklahoma, especially in the state’s southeastern section, where, despite the social conservatism, many people still talk about the New Deal and revere Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Democrats currently hold not only the governorship but also most other statewide offices. And rural voters often register as Democrats because the party’s primaries for sheriff and county commissioner continue to be more important than the general elections for those posts.
But the blows of the recent past have been unmistakable. For the last 14 years, the state’s two senators, and four of its five representatives, have been Republicans. Riding President Bush’s coattails, Republicans also won control of the Oklahoma House in 2004. Now they have won the State Senate.
“If America voted for change, Oklahoma voted for reform,” State Senator Glenn Coffee, the Republican who is soon to be majority leader, said of Tuesday’s elections. “For a long time you had a single-party state.”
At the Arrow Cafe, several lifelong Democrats said they could remember a time 25 years ago when no one would admit to being a Republican, for fear of being ostracized. These days, few people advertise that they are Democrats, though Democrats outnumber registered Republicans in the county by two to one.
Reflecting on the Oklahoma vote in the presidential election just past, Gordon Belshe, a 67-year-old manufacturer of trailer homes who said he had voted for Mr. Obama, suggested that racism had played a role.
“I still think we had a lot of antiblack votes in this state,” Mr. Belshe said. “I had several people ask me how I could vote for him.”
And Mr. White, the man who had said he could not vote for Mr. Obama because of the abortion issue, also acknowledged that he would not have been comfortable voting for a black candidate. “I’m prejudiced,” he whispered. “This is a problem I have to personally work through.”
In truth, it is impossible to tell if racism was a significant factor in Mr. Obama’s poor showing here. According to a statewide exit poll conducted by Edison/Mitofsky, he got the support of 59 percent of white Democrats in the state, compared with the 84 percent he garnered from white Democrats nationwide. Four years ago, however, Senator John Kerry fared little better among white Oklahoma Democrats, getting only 62 percent.
In any event, most of the older Democrats who stopped by the cafe the other day said Mr. Obama’s race had had nothing to do with their decision to support Mr. McCain.
Mr. Cook, the poultry farmer, said Mr. Obama had been insufficiently religious for him. “He don’t believe like a lot of us do,” he said.
And Bill Straughan, a 70-year-old former civilian employee at nearby Tinker Air Force Base, said Mr. Obama “doesn’t have any real résumé.”
“McCain was a prisoner of war longer than Obama was in the Senate,” Mr. Straughan said. “The last reason I would not vote for him was because he’s black.”
Thursday, November 6, 2008
white power?
My friend just called. She said she that as she was driving to school earlier today, a guy in a truck was tailgating her. Eventually he pulled along beside her, and yelled "WHITE POWER!" out the window.
I've been thinking about how every single county in Oklahoma voted red, and how the state Senate is republican too...just like the House (which I sincerely lament, as the Democratic Senate majority was one thing that gave me hope for positive direction of the state. Have you seen some of the bills that were initiated in the House??)
And then I'm thinking about proposition 8 in California, and how gay marriage shouldn't even be an issue anywhere when there are children starving to death as I write this. And how Proposition 8 is like saying, "We don't like you, gay people." Please....please explain to me in practical terms why same sex marriage is bad.
I'm also thinking about evangelist voters, and single issue voters who hold 24-hour prayer vigils at IHOP for God's Chosen Candidate to win.
So that leads me to this point: I think that our nation's experiencing growing pains, just like it did during the civil rights era. Not just speaking of equality for same-sex couples, but for other things that we need to press ahead on. I think it's time to move forward, and it's evidenced in our choice for president. However, I think that the other half of the country is digging in their heals against progression. I think they're stuck in the old way...they want to keep things the same. I think the country's passionately polarized, and it's causing people to get worked up. Obviously it's causing the skinheads to come out of the closet. And personally, I'd be ashamed to be racist or homophobic, because it reflects a lack of intelligence.
And back to the racist and same sex marriage issue: I'm tired of the intolerance. I'm ready to move on to important issues, and I'm extremely disappointed that the state I live in disagrees.
I'm sorry...I'm tired, so this might not be coming across as I'd like for it to. Should I only write when I'm feeling coherent and cohesive? Whatever.
I've been thinking about how every single county in Oklahoma voted red, and how the state Senate is republican too...just like the House (which I sincerely lament, as the Democratic Senate majority was one thing that gave me hope for positive direction of the state. Have you seen some of the bills that were initiated in the House??)
And then I'm thinking about proposition 8 in California, and how gay marriage shouldn't even be an issue anywhere when there are children starving to death as I write this. And how Proposition 8 is like saying, "We don't like you, gay people." Please....please explain to me in practical terms why same sex marriage is bad.
I'm also thinking about evangelist voters, and single issue voters who hold 24-hour prayer vigils at IHOP for God's Chosen Candidate to win.
So that leads me to this point: I think that our nation's experiencing growing pains, just like it did during the civil rights era. Not just speaking of equality for same-sex couples, but for other things that we need to press ahead on. I think it's time to move forward, and it's evidenced in our choice for president. However, I think that the other half of the country is digging in their heals against progression. I think they're stuck in the old way...they want to keep things the same. I think the country's passionately polarized, and it's causing people to get worked up. Obviously it's causing the skinheads to come out of the closet. And personally, I'd be ashamed to be racist or homophobic, because it reflects a lack of intelligence.
And back to the racist and same sex marriage issue: I'm tired of the intolerance. I'm ready to move on to important issues, and I'm extremely disappointed that the state I live in disagrees.
I'm sorry...I'm tired, so this might not be coming across as I'd like for it to. Should I only write when I'm feeling coherent and cohesive? Whatever.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Yes We Can became YES, WE DID!!!
I stood in line for an hour to vote this morning, even though the state is saturated with red....
And this evening I went to the watch party at the Skirvin, and it felt so great to be with so many passionate and excited people! A few people ran up to me and asked, "What's going on?" And when I got to tell them, "We won!" They hugged me. I felt so good to have something so important to me in common with so many other good folks. As my friends and I walked to the car, we could hear people cheering on the rooftops around us...it was like a dream!
We went to a local bar to watch Obama's speech. Some guy walked in with a guitar and interrupted with some racist comments. They kicked him out and called the cops.
I can't believe this is happening...change is hard, but the struggle's producing positive fruits right before our eyes!! And when the rest of the world is celebrating with us, it makes me finally feel like I'm part of the world....not living in a country that's against it.
I feel something I've never felt before...love for my country, pride in the people who decided that the country needs to change direction, and I feel that President Obama will restore dignity to the presidency. I have to admit....in the past eight years, I've lost respect for the presidency, but now I'm nearly in tears with pride. I'll be so happy and proud to have Barack Obama as my leader...and to claim my nationality to the rest of the world with pride! :)
And this evening I went to the watch party at the Skirvin, and it felt so great to be with so many passionate and excited people! A few people ran up to me and asked, "What's going on?" And when I got to tell them, "We won!" They hugged me. I felt so good to have something so important to me in common with so many other good folks. As my friends and I walked to the car, we could hear people cheering on the rooftops around us...it was like a dream!
We went to a local bar to watch Obama's speech. Some guy walked in with a guitar and interrupted with some racist comments. They kicked him out and called the cops.
I can't believe this is happening...change is hard, but the struggle's producing positive fruits right before our eyes!! And when the rest of the world is celebrating with us, it makes me finally feel like I'm part of the world....not living in a country that's against it.
I feel something I've never felt before...love for my country, pride in the people who decided that the country needs to change direction, and I feel that President Obama will restore dignity to the presidency. I have to admit....in the past eight years, I've lost respect for the presidency, but now I'm nearly in tears with pride. I'll be so happy and proud to have Barack Obama as my leader...and to claim my nationality to the rest of the world with pride! :)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
It's a Kind of Magic
This morning was like Christmas morning. It was even more exciting than Christmas morning, because Christmas has become about the children, and while it is fun to watch, I don’t get that same tingly excitement that I got when I was a child.
This morning was like running to the tree, as I went to the polls at 6:50 a.m. and stood in the cold wind at the end of a long line. I didn’t care about the cold. I ignored the polite conversation of the people around me. I was focused.
I realized this morning that I was being given a special gift today. I have been voting since 2000. In 1996, it was Clinton, and the world seemed stable, and politics unimportant. This is the first time as a voting adult that I am voting in an election without W. The first time that I won’t see Bush inexplicably win an election. The first time that I think my vote will lead to real, positive change in the nation.
I blissfully cast my vote today. On NPR, a woman described her voting experience as “enchanting.” There is magic in the air today. Today there is the possibility of the impossible; a premonition of what we can be.
This morning was like running to the tree, as I went to the polls at 6:50 a.m. and stood in the cold wind at the end of a long line. I didn’t care about the cold. I ignored the polite conversation of the people around me. I was focused.
I realized this morning that I was being given a special gift today. I have been voting since 2000. In 1996, it was Clinton, and the world seemed stable, and politics unimportant. This is the first time as a voting adult that I am voting in an election without W. The first time that I won’t see Bush inexplicably win an election. The first time that I think my vote will lead to real, positive change in the nation.
I blissfully cast my vote today. On NPR, a woman described her voting experience as “enchanting.” There is magic in the air today. Today there is the possibility of the impossible; a premonition of what we can be.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
At first I was like :/ and then I LOLd! :D
1. I'm on facebook, and a friend posted something promoting Obama. One of his friends left the following comment in response:
"U may end up loosing more than ur status if u vote Obama...may end up loosing freedom our forefathers died 4. Hitler wanted change as well."
2. Speaking of LOLing, here's the original (a), and the SNL skit (b):
a.
b.
3. Maybe I heard I read that
4. So there's this guy I've kind of had my eye on for a while. He works at a restaurant that I go to from time to time. I don't know anything about him, except that he's cute. And I have a feeling that he thinks the same about me...maybe(?) So um....what do I do? How do I know if he has a girlfriend or what? I haven't asked a guy out since I was in high school. Help me out, sisters.
"U may end up loosing more than ur status if u vote Obama...may end up loosing freedom our forefathers died 4. Hitler wanted change as well."
2. Speaking of LOLing, here's the original (a), and the SNL skit (b):
a.
b.
3. Maybe I heard I read that
4. So there's this guy I've kind of had my eye on for a while. He works at a restaurant that I go to from time to time. I don't know anything about him, except that he's cute. And I have a feeling that he thinks the same about me...maybe(?) So um....what do I do? How do I know if he has a girlfriend or what? I haven't asked a guy out since I was in high school. Help me out, sisters.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
You know you're too drunk to post when
you can't remember your password. So I totally pass the test. It took me a couple of tries to get it, but I made it. I had something important to post. Let's see.
I didn't get much play, (oh yeah, went to a party) but I got drunk, was offered tequila and a ride to another party by a guy in a sombrero, and the host showed me a card trick, while being all over me.
My sister made me stop drinking and come home (bless her little soul) but once I came home, I thought to myself, why can't you have a man who appreciates a drunk bitch, and wants to watch MST3k and cartoons, and wants to fuck.
I'm currently trying to soak up the alcohol and watching space ghost, too numb to feel much of anything.
I didn't get much play, (oh yeah, went to a party) but I got drunk, was offered tequila and a ride to another party by a guy in a sombrero, and the host showed me a card trick, while being all over me.
My sister made me stop drinking and come home (bless her little soul) but once I came home, I thought to myself, why can't you have a man who appreciates a drunk bitch, and wants to watch MST3k and cartoons, and wants to fuck.
I'm currently trying to soak up the alcohol and watching space ghost, too numb to feel much of anything.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Too Sexy for my Cat…
So what makes a girl Sexy? Obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder so if the only thing that gets your freak on is big feet or people three feet tall or shorter, well, then that narrows things down for you. But for the vast majority of us who don’t limit our freak, there is so much beauty in the world.
Lots of studies say that facial symmetry makes a person beautiful. And for whatever reason lots of people prefer blonds and curly hair. And of course other studies say that men prefer big boobs, clear skin and a certain hip to waist ration. (Was the Barbie Doll really made for little girls?) But I’ve notice that in a first impression none of these things come to my mind. I find, on first impressions, it’s the way she carries herself. How does she hold her chest? And it does matter the size of her tatas, if they’re big and she’s pushing them out, it’s annoying, but if they’re petite, she can get away with that. Does she have a badonka-donk? And what is she doing with it? Hiding it or squishing it into pants that are two sizes too tight? There is nothing more striking then to see a woman who’s clothes fit, who knows she looks good, who carries herself well, who commands the space around her. And I’ve seen and admired these women in ever size, shape, color and nationality. I want to be that woman! She is so sexy, so hot! I bow down to her!!!
Lots of studies say that facial symmetry makes a person beautiful. And for whatever reason lots of people prefer blonds and curly hair. And of course other studies say that men prefer big boobs, clear skin and a certain hip to waist ration. (Was the Barbie Doll really made for little girls?) But I’ve notice that in a first impression none of these things come to my mind. I find, on first impressions, it’s the way she carries herself. How does she hold her chest? And it does matter the size of her tatas, if they’re big and she’s pushing them out, it’s annoying, but if they’re petite, she can get away with that. Does she have a badonka-donk? And what is she doing with it? Hiding it or squishing it into pants that are two sizes too tight? There is nothing more striking then to see a woman who’s clothes fit, who knows she looks good, who carries herself well, who commands the space around her. And I’ve seen and admired these women in ever size, shape, color and nationality. I want to be that woman! She is so sexy, so hot! I bow down to her!!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Obama's closing arguments
One week.
After decades of broken politics in Washington, eight years of
failed policies from George Bush, and twenty-one months of a campaign that has
taken us from the rocky coast of Maine to the sunshine of California, we are one
week away from change in America.
In one week, you can turn the page on
policies that have put the greed and irresponsibility of Wall Street before the
hard work and sacrifice of folks on Main Street.
In one week, you can choose
policies that invest in our middle-class, create new jobs, and grow this economy
from the bottom-up so that everyone has a chance to succeed; from the CEO to the
secretary and the janitor; from the factory owner to the men and women who work
on its floor.
In one week, you can put an end to the politics that would
divide a nation just to win an election; that tries to pit region against
region, city against town, Republican against Democrat; that asks us to fear at
a time when we need hope.
In one week, at this defining moment in history,
you can give this country the change we need.
We began this journey in the depths of winter nearly two years ago, on the steps of the Old State Capitol in Springfield, Illinois. Back then, we didn't have much money or many endorsements. We weren't given much of a chance by the polls or the
pundits, and we knew how steep our climb would be.
But I also knew this. I knew that the size of our challenges had outgrown the smallness of our politics. I believed that Democrats and Republicans and Americans of every political stripe were hungry for new ideas, new leadership, and a new kind
of politics – one that favors common sense over ideology; one that focuses on
those values and ideals we hold in common as Americans.Most of all, I believed in your ability to make change happen. I knew that the American people were a decent, generous people who are willing to work hard and sacrifice for future generations. And I was convinced that when we come together,
our voices are more powerful than the most entrenched lobbyists, or the most
vicious political attacks, or the full force of a status quo in Washington that
wants to keep things just the way they are.
Motherhood Blahs
So the economy sucks. I think we’re all aware of this. And even though gas prices have fallen suspiciously low (considering there is a presidential election next week), I’m hurting. Even working two jobs, I’m having trouble providing for the family.
They need clothes and jackets and shoes, and hoodies. Hoodies are very important. Lora Mae gave me a nice, new hoodie sweater, so I’m good on the hoodie front. I like it because it is smaller than the other one so it’s a lot closer to fitting, plus it’s a blue that is really close to the blue of my eyes. See, hoodies are very distracting and necessary items.
I would like to buy myself some new clothes and jackets and shoes, but I don’t see that in my future. Most of my clothes don’t fit. Most of my clothes are given to me by other people. Today, the only thing I’m wearing that I bought are my shoes (and my underthings. No one gives me those.)
I feel like I look like typical mom in tattered sweaters, tennis shoes and jeans that bag around the ass. So not attractive. I want to cut off my hair again. I had a dream that I was cutting it myself and it was very satisfying, but I was having the thought that I probably shouldn’t do that before Cotton Candy’s wedding.
I guess this post has kind of veered from the original focus, but it is clear in my mind; a lot of women I know, especially mothers, are suffering from the downturn in the economy. It may seem superficial, but there is a lot of sacrifice to taking care of other people, and even though people always tell mothers that they have to take care of themselves too, most of us will forgo what they want (and sometimes what they need) in order to take care of our babies.
They need clothes and jackets and shoes, and hoodies. Hoodies are very important. Lora Mae gave me a nice, new hoodie sweater, so I’m good on the hoodie front. I like it because it is smaller than the other one so it’s a lot closer to fitting, plus it’s a blue that is really close to the blue of my eyes. See, hoodies are very distracting and necessary items.
I would like to buy myself some new clothes and jackets and shoes, but I don’t see that in my future. Most of my clothes don’t fit. Most of my clothes are given to me by other people. Today, the only thing I’m wearing that I bought are my shoes (and my underthings. No one gives me those.)
I feel like I look like typical mom in tattered sweaters, tennis shoes and jeans that bag around the ass. So not attractive. I want to cut off my hair again. I had a dream that I was cutting it myself and it was very satisfying, but I was having the thought that I probably shouldn’t do that before Cotton Candy’s wedding.
I guess this post has kind of veered from the original focus, but it is clear in my mind; a lot of women I know, especially mothers, are suffering from the downturn in the economy. It may seem superficial, but there is a lot of sacrifice to taking care of other people, and even though people always tell mothers that they have to take care of themselves too, most of us will forgo what they want (and sometimes what they need) in order to take care of our babies.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Freeze Frame
As I was falling asleep last night, I was remembering one of my happiest memories of adulthood. It was like a moment frozen in time, and if I were a better artist, I would be compelled to draw it.
We were in a small dorm room, with the compulsory cinderblock walls and linoleum tile floor. There was little decoration in the room, a mattress on the floor; and a student’s desk and chair. The effect is institutional, as I suppose is the intent. I was sitting in the desk chair, long blonde hair down and a little messy, with my legs stretched out in front of me, crossed at the ankle and resting on the mattress. I was wearing sheer black panties and a black button-up blouse, only buttoned once over my breasts, for false modesty’s sake. I felt positively feline as I smoked a cigarette, my attention focused on the people at my feet.
They sat on the bed, fuzzy from lack of sleep, a night of hard drinking, and really great sex. But in that moment, as sleepy as they were, their attention was entirely focused on me. She watched me with her big brown eyes with a mixture of lust and admiration. She looked coquettish in these kinds of moments; she emanated a teasing, playful kind of heat. She said I was incredibly sexy. She directed this statement to her bedmate, who grinned in response. He has always looked at me in that way; a look that seems to suggest that I’m amusing him at the same time that I’m arousing him. I liked that look. He was relaxed, and he seemed surrounded by sensual energy.
I sat there smoking, inviting the looks, inviting their desire, enjoying being loved by both of them. All these years later, I find myself wondering—why didn’t I climb back into bed?
We were in a small dorm room, with the compulsory cinderblock walls and linoleum tile floor. There was little decoration in the room, a mattress on the floor; and a student’s desk and chair. The effect is institutional, as I suppose is the intent. I was sitting in the desk chair, long blonde hair down and a little messy, with my legs stretched out in front of me, crossed at the ankle and resting on the mattress. I was wearing sheer black panties and a black button-up blouse, only buttoned once over my breasts, for false modesty’s sake. I felt positively feline as I smoked a cigarette, my attention focused on the people at my feet.
They sat on the bed, fuzzy from lack of sleep, a night of hard drinking, and really great sex. But in that moment, as sleepy as they were, their attention was entirely focused on me. She watched me with her big brown eyes with a mixture of lust and admiration. She looked coquettish in these kinds of moments; she emanated a teasing, playful kind of heat. She said I was incredibly sexy. She directed this statement to her bedmate, who grinned in response. He has always looked at me in that way; a look that seems to suggest that I’m amusing him at the same time that I’m arousing him. I liked that look. He was relaxed, and he seemed surrounded by sensual energy.
I sat there smoking, inviting the looks, inviting their desire, enjoying being loved by both of them. All these years later, I find myself wondering—why didn’t I climb back into bed?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Somebody's Got a Case of the Tuesdays
Recently, thoughts of running away have been strong, thinking about being on a beach somewhere feeling the sun on my face, or in some remote cottage in Ireland living a simple life instead of at a noisy gas station in the Midwest, surrounded by people who I can’t seem to relate to while ambulances and police cars scream past.
I’d like to leave; skip leaving the time zone, and have one of those time jumps like in Star Trek when the holodeck malfunctions and they are stuck in some Film Noir detective story. I want to exist in a science fiction reality where everything is new and different, and they have whole planets devoted to pleasure instead of a world where pleasure is most often difficult to come by, and tempered by pain.
I want to live in a fantasy world, where I am the Chosen One, and despite my deceptively simple nature, am destined to save the world. I want to struggle to complete impossible things and see impossible things happen around me; I want to develop enduring bonds to other people as we complete Herculean tasks, instead of being isolated in a cubicle to make money for some old guys with lots of money to begin with.
I’d like to leave; skip leaving the time zone, and have one of those time jumps like in Star Trek when the holodeck malfunctions and they are stuck in some Film Noir detective story. I want to exist in a science fiction reality where everything is new and different, and they have whole planets devoted to pleasure instead of a world where pleasure is most often difficult to come by, and tempered by pain.
I want to live in a fantasy world, where I am the Chosen One, and despite my deceptively simple nature, am destined to save the world. I want to struggle to complete impossible things and see impossible things happen around me; I want to develop enduring bonds to other people as we complete Herculean tasks, instead of being isolated in a cubicle to make money for some old guys with lots of money to begin with.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Bacheloretteing
So as the bachelorette in the party you get to do all kinds of fun things like be spanked by strangers and have them find tiny pieces of paper on your person. You also have strangers buy you shots, it is quite a bit of fun. I had 2 couples buy me a shot and wish me well, a few gentleman and one rather biter Betsy. I think my favorite shot was from the biter Betsy, she was such a good sport! And then of course you have all of your fabulous girlfriends around you WooHooing all night. Somehow that never gets old.
I still say, just randomly on a night, a girl should dress up in Bachelorette garb and head out with a bunch of friends. Really, who would know if you’re not getting married?
But watch out, the shots just get easier and easier to drink, and even with Chasers, my hang over was pretty awesome the next day.
I still say, just randomly on a night, a girl should dress up in Bachelorette garb and head out with a bunch of friends. Really, who would know if you’re not getting married?
But watch out, the shots just get easier and easier to drink, and even with Chasers, my hang over was pretty awesome the next day.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I'll take the rapists for $500, Alex
Time for another pop culture graphic novel/comic/manga update. This time, I went for some American fare, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I saw the movie, thought it was pretty cool, and didn’t understand why the fans of the comic would not like it. After reading volumes I and II, I’ve discovered the problem: not enough rape.
These are the anti-heroes, a collection of drug addicts, killers, rapists, and terrorists and one very mysterious lady. Mina locates and organizes the group, but her place among them is unclear. Until, of course, she is almost raped. And when they talk about her past rape. Then when she has sex with a man about sixty years her senior. Finally, when she actually gets violently raped by the invisible man, it all comes together.
After finishing the two volumes, I finally realized why I was unsettled. For one, it appears that Mina’s character exists to either be raped or fucked, and victimized by the evil Chinese/aliens/vampires/whatever. Also, it becomes clear viewing the series from a distance that every female that is represented in the book is either a whore, or has been/is in the process of/or will be raped. There’s the whorish headmistress of the school for wayward girls, who is barely dressed and decorates the place like a whorehouse; the schoolgirls themselves who are cast as eager participants in their rape by the “holy spirit” (which turns out to be the head rapist, The Invisible Man). The headmistress’ assistant apparently tutors the students in basic S&M, providing a little female-on-female rape. I think that is the sum total of the women in the two volumes, as Mina picks up the slack in the rape scenarios to come.
As it stands at the end of volume two, it appears that Mina is the perfect victim and a complete characterization based on male wish-fulfillment: busty, gorgeous, intelligent, proper, highly sexed, available to even crusty old men, and a victim of the highest degree. By the way, revenge is served on The Invisible Man, as he suffers a horrible and bloody rape by Jekyll to defend Mina’s honor. Aww, isn’t that sweet? I feel like I need a shower
These are the anti-heroes, a collection of drug addicts, killers, rapists, and terrorists and one very mysterious lady. Mina locates and organizes the group, but her place among them is unclear. Until, of course, she is almost raped. And when they talk about her past rape. Then when she has sex with a man about sixty years her senior. Finally, when she actually gets violently raped by the invisible man, it all comes together.
After finishing the two volumes, I finally realized why I was unsettled. For one, it appears that Mina’s character exists to either be raped or fucked, and victimized by the evil Chinese/aliens/vampires/whatever. Also, it becomes clear viewing the series from a distance that every female that is represented in the book is either a whore, or has been/is in the process of/or will be raped. There’s the whorish headmistress of the school for wayward girls, who is barely dressed and decorates the place like a whorehouse; the schoolgirls themselves who are cast as eager participants in their rape by the “holy spirit” (which turns out to be the head rapist, The Invisible Man). The headmistress’ assistant apparently tutors the students in basic S&M, providing a little female-on-female rape. I think that is the sum total of the women in the two volumes, as Mina picks up the slack in the rape scenarios to come.
As it stands at the end of volume two, it appears that Mina is the perfect victim and a complete characterization based on male wish-fulfillment: busty, gorgeous, intelligent, proper, highly sexed, available to even crusty old men, and a victim of the highest degree. By the way, revenge is served on The Invisible Man, as he suffers a horrible and bloody rape by Jekyll to defend Mina’s honor. Aww, isn’t that sweet? I feel like I need a shower
Harrison Bergeron
Our society seems to be striving to reach perfect equality. Schools, in particular, seem to think that by removing all actions that might lead to a child’s experience of negative emotions is the best option. I don’t know exactly where this theory comes from; it seems absurd to think that a child’s school years can be completely free of jealousy, rejection, anger, and I’m sure a million other things.
Even if this were to be achieved, (through some miracle) at some point these children would become adults, and no longer sheltered by the school system. They would be thrust into a world filled with a range of emotions, and no idea how to react to negative emotion. It seems that it would be more useful to teach children how to deal with negative emotion instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.
As a child, if I had been fitted with handicaps like Harrison Bergeron, I would have never had the opportunity to develop into the person that I am. The idea is quite horrifying: headphones playing loud sounds so that I can’t think better than others, a mask to hide what might be above average looks, weights around my neck to keep me from outperforming others athletically. Expecting everyone to be the same is foolish and potentially dangerous. Sometimes, though, I think of this story and wish that loud sounds would interrupt the incessant thinking.
http://instruct.westvalley.edu/lafave/hb.html
Even if this were to be achieved, (through some miracle) at some point these children would become adults, and no longer sheltered by the school system. They would be thrust into a world filled with a range of emotions, and no idea how to react to negative emotion. It seems that it would be more useful to teach children how to deal with negative emotion instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.
As a child, if I had been fitted with handicaps like Harrison Bergeron, I would have never had the opportunity to develop into the person that I am. The idea is quite horrifying: headphones playing loud sounds so that I can’t think better than others, a mask to hide what might be above average looks, weights around my neck to keep me from outperforming others athletically. Expecting everyone to be the same is foolish and potentially dangerous. Sometimes, though, I think of this story and wish that loud sounds would interrupt the incessant thinking.
http://instruct.westvalley.edu/lafave/hb.html
Sunday, October 12, 2008
whew...
Since I was 17, I have always disliked my hometown cops since one tried to grope me while I was working (another story).
This week has been particularly stressful with my father's illness, moving him, etc. so I THOUGHT I would blow off a little steam and head out with my Ponca Friends. They said this band was THE SHIT when they came to Ponca and their local hangout would be PACKED. So, I decided to stay an extra night in town to hangout and have a cocktail or two. I usually don't allow myself to get to too shit faced and I try to keep my beers to under 5 however, tonight was an exception. I had 4 Miller Lites and 4 shots. My shots were 2 test tubs things, 2 Nigerian Nightmares and one Blow Job. Granted, I only bought 1 shot but I am a pretty good size girl and can usually handle my liquor….except for tequila (clothes just fall off), so I figure I am good enough to drive home. So, we leave the bar at 1:20ish. NONE of my friends have gum. S,MF, F, S.
I think…well, Burger King is only a mile away, so I could grab a burger and drive on to my dad's house. Almost, just as good as gum.
I look in my rear view mirror as I am heading down the street and I see an F-ing Hometown Cops. MF, I think to myself. Then, I look on my speedometer and see my 09 sticker for my tag. MF. So, I really need to turn into Burger King. So, I make a right hand turn into Burger King. The cop keeps going down the parking lot towards another store and I calm myself in the BK drive through. THANK GOD it isn't 2:15 and all of the drunks aren't inline! I make my order and I continue to the parking lot. I am still looking through my car for gum. All I see is some sample tooth paste from my cousin from my dental visit a few days ago. So, I rub that on my teeth and tongue for extra precautions! When I pull away from the drive through, I think…well, I guess it is time for the middle of the night picnic in the BK parking lot. I eat my tacos (an impulse buy) and when I finish, I ran to the back of my car and placed the 09 sticker on the car so there wouldn't be the slightest inkling to pull me over.
I looked around the parking lot for the pig in clothes and didn't see any….so, I proceeded on my way to my dad's house.
I made it home without incident…well, except I had a hard time parking….but that is the least of my worries!
Thank goodness for Angels (My Mom, Annie, Lyn, Aunt Anna, Aunt Vera, Uncle Edward) watching over me and keeping the f-ing Pigs away. I am going to Sam's ASAP to pick up a case of gum…just for my car! J
PS-the Burger King tacos are quite tasty and hit the spot! Woo-Woo! Shout out to the Burger King! LOL! They aren't Cotton Candy's magic Chinese food…but, who can compete with MAGIC Chinese food? LOL!
This week has been particularly stressful with my father's illness, moving him, etc. so I THOUGHT I would blow off a little steam and head out with my Ponca Friends. They said this band was THE SHIT when they came to Ponca and their local hangout would be PACKED. So, I decided to stay an extra night in town to hangout and have a cocktail or two. I usually don't allow myself to get to too shit faced and I try to keep my beers to under 5 however, tonight was an exception. I had 4 Miller Lites and 4 shots. My shots were 2 test tubs things, 2 Nigerian Nightmares and one Blow Job. Granted, I only bought 1 shot but I am a pretty good size girl and can usually handle my liquor….except for tequila (clothes just fall off), so I figure I am good enough to drive home. So, we leave the bar at 1:20ish. NONE of my friends have gum. S,MF, F, S.
I think…well, Burger King is only a mile away, so I could grab a burger and drive on to my dad's house. Almost, just as good as gum.
I look in my rear view mirror as I am heading down the street and I see an F-ing Hometown Cops. MF, I think to myself. Then, I look on my speedometer and see my 09 sticker for my tag. MF. So, I really need to turn into Burger King. So, I make a right hand turn into Burger King. The cop keeps going down the parking lot towards another store and I calm myself in the BK drive through. THANK GOD it isn't 2:15 and all of the drunks aren't inline! I make my order and I continue to the parking lot. I am still looking through my car for gum. All I see is some sample tooth paste from my cousin from my dental visit a few days ago. So, I rub that on my teeth and tongue for extra precautions! When I pull away from the drive through, I think…well, I guess it is time for the middle of the night picnic in the BK parking lot. I eat my tacos (an impulse buy) and when I finish, I ran to the back of my car and placed the 09 sticker on the car so there wouldn't be the slightest inkling to pull me over.
I looked around the parking lot for the pig in clothes and didn't see any….so, I proceeded on my way to my dad's house.
I made it home without incident…well, except I had a hard time parking….but that is the least of my worries!
Thank goodness for Angels (My Mom, Annie, Lyn, Aunt Anna, Aunt Vera, Uncle Edward) watching over me and keeping the f-ing Pigs away. I am going to Sam's ASAP to pick up a case of gum…just for my car! J
PS-the Burger King tacos are quite tasty and hit the spot! Woo-Woo! Shout out to the Burger King! LOL! They aren't Cotton Candy's magic Chinese food…but, who can compete with MAGIC Chinese food? LOL!
Friday, October 10, 2008
no father figure, please...
If you are over 40, please don’t apply. Yes, I thank you for the complements and I am glad you think I am so cute and funny but I really am not interested. Hey, I think it is great that you are 51 and you want to try to woo this 31 year old woman and have the self esteem to do it...however, I am not looking for a father figure (I have a dad) nor would I like to care for you during the prime of my life when you are drawing social security (again, I take care of my dad)...but, not going to happen. You are old enough to be my dad...not into that...at all nor having step children around my age...
I know it is probably crazy to limit my dating age to under 40 but I can’t help it. Call me crazy, but I need to be with someone who matured around the same time I did and isn’t an overgrown child. If you know about things I did during High School in your 50s, you are an overgrown child.
I wish you the best of luck on your pursuits. I am not going to be one of them.
I know it is probably crazy to limit my dating age to under 40 but I can’t help it. Call me crazy, but I need to be with someone who matured around the same time I did and isn’t an overgrown child. If you know about things I did during High School in your 50s, you are an overgrown child.
I wish you the best of luck on your pursuits. I am not going to be one of them.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
VPILF
VPILF
After receiving a text from Lora Mae last week expressing her desire to kick over a Palin sign, I thought about my reactions to the woman. Seeing her on TV, seeing her picture, and especially hearing her voice raises a seemingly irrational rage in me. I thought that was weird. I haven’t had that kind of reaction since my reaction to W in the last election. For a small scale social experiment, I asked a man of my acquaintance with very similar political views if seeing/hearing Palin made him angry. He said no. I know one man doesn’t make a truth, but it seemed to be a telling thing to me.
I guess it is because she’s attractive to the men, or somewhat attractive to them anyway. Men have the strangest ideas about women being attractive. I’ve read men say that Palin is attractive in a in-the-dark, as-long-as-she-doesn’t-speak, squint-your-eyes, from-behind-her-ass-looks-good-enough way. There are those that find the whole package appealing, but I haven’t heard so much of that. To my brain, these qualifiers would seem to lead one to the conclusion that the object of said qualifiers is, in fact, unattractive. But I guess that’s one of the things that separate women from men.
I finally pinpointed the source of my own rage by relating it back to an episode of Futurama. I relate entirely too many real-life situations back to Futurama; I guess it is a testament to the genius of the show, or conversely to my mental state. Remember the episode where Leela became the first female Major League Blurnsball player? She was a pitcher that was discovered because she has no depth perception, and just keeps beaning people in the head. She became a parody of what could have been a major milestone for women. A very talented college female player expresses to Leela how disappointed she is that Leela is giving female players a bad name. Her argument is that by allowing herself to be exploited, she belittles the other women.
This is what Palin is doing. By being the worst qualified vice presidential candidate in recent history, she is prolonging the day that a woman will be vice president, even president. Her use of sexuality to succeed, her consistent use of emotional appeals, her smearing Obama, and her cattiness confirms all the negative stereotypes that have convinced the voting majority that women are unfit to serve in these important positions. No one takes her seriously. We’ve moved from having a strong, capable female candidate for president to a complete mockery of a political figure that allows the public to continue under the impression that strong women are bad and unnatural, and what you can allow is an Eskimo Barbie to go with your White House playset.
After receiving a text from Lora Mae last week expressing her desire to kick over a Palin sign, I thought about my reactions to the woman. Seeing her on TV, seeing her picture, and especially hearing her voice raises a seemingly irrational rage in me. I thought that was weird. I haven’t had that kind of reaction since my reaction to W in the last election. For a small scale social experiment, I asked a man of my acquaintance with very similar political views if seeing/hearing Palin made him angry. He said no. I know one man doesn’t make a truth, but it seemed to be a telling thing to me.
I guess it is because she’s attractive to the men, or somewhat attractive to them anyway. Men have the strangest ideas about women being attractive. I’ve read men say that Palin is attractive in a in-the-dark, as-long-as-she-doesn’t-speak, squint-your-eyes, from-behind-her-ass-looks-good-enough way. There are those that find the whole package appealing, but I haven’t heard so much of that. To my brain, these qualifiers would seem to lead one to the conclusion that the object of said qualifiers is, in fact, unattractive. But I guess that’s one of the things that separate women from men.
I finally pinpointed the source of my own rage by relating it back to an episode of Futurama. I relate entirely too many real-life situations back to Futurama; I guess it is a testament to the genius of the show, or conversely to my mental state. Remember the episode where Leela became the first female Major League Blurnsball player? She was a pitcher that was discovered because she has no depth perception, and just keeps beaning people in the head. She became a parody of what could have been a major milestone for women. A very talented college female player expresses to Leela how disappointed she is that Leela is giving female players a bad name. Her argument is that by allowing herself to be exploited, she belittles the other women.
This is what Palin is doing. By being the worst qualified vice presidential candidate in recent history, she is prolonging the day that a woman will be vice president, even president. Her use of sexuality to succeed, her consistent use of emotional appeals, her smearing Obama, and her cattiness confirms all the negative stereotypes that have convinced the voting majority that women are unfit to serve in these important positions. No one takes her seriously. We’ve moved from having a strong, capable female candidate for president to a complete mockery of a political figure that allows the public to continue under the impression that strong women are bad and unnatural, and what you can allow is an Eskimo Barbie to go with your White House playset.
Not as focused as I had planned. . .
Perhaps I don’t understand the ways of Karma. Wasn’t it Earl (of My Name is Earl, not Squidbillies) that said, “Karma is a bitch?” I really like that show. For one, Jason Lee is a great comic actor, but for another, who is not attracted to the idea that if you live your life right you are rewarded. Hell, Eastern religion or Western religion, the idea remains constant. Treat others as you would like to be treated, give and received tenfold, turn the other cheek, the meek inherit the earth.
As a representative of the meek, I have to say I’m not getting anything but a hard time. I’ve tried to practice the basic “do unto others” rules: I’ve been poor my whole life, but I’ve given to others; I have needs that aren’t met, but I put others’ needs before mine; I have not received love, but I’ve given love; I have been neglected, but I’ve sacrificed a great deal to take care of others. Despite continually striving to be a better person, and to be fair and to be giving, I’m in a position where I’m in therapy once a week, on two antidepressants, and once again close to being fired at a job I hate. It doesn’t seem like karmic justice to me.
Do I need to make a list? I know there are people I have wronged. I know I’m not perfect. Maybe I’ve wreaked karmic havoc on myself. I keep thinking of a song in Mel Brooks’ musical The Producers that Nathan Lane sings called “The King of Broadway.” It is very much inspired by Fiddler on the Roof, and describes how life used to be great and now it sucks, and he sings,
As a representative of the meek, I have to say I’m not getting anything but a hard time. I’ve tried to practice the basic “do unto others” rules: I’ve been poor my whole life, but I’ve given to others; I have needs that aren’t met, but I put others’ needs before mine; I have not received love, but I’ve given love; I have been neglected, but I’ve sacrificed a great deal to take care of others. Despite continually striving to be a better person, and to be fair and to be giving, I’m in a position where I’m in therapy once a week, on two antidepressants, and once again close to being fired at a job I hate. It doesn’t seem like karmic justice to me.
Do I need to make a list? I know there are people I have wronged. I know I’m not perfect. Maybe I’ve wreaked karmic havoc on myself. I keep thinking of a song in Mel Brooks’ musical The Producers that Nathan Lane sings called “The King of Broadway.” It is very much inspired by Fiddler on the Roof, and describes how life used to be great and now it sucks, and he sings,
“He was saying, when you're down and out, andTruly, who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town.
everybody thinks you're
finished,
that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,/"Who do you
have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"
Karmageddon
Perhaps I don’t understand the ways of Karma. Wasn’t it Earl (of My Name is Earl, not Squidbillies) that said, “Karma is a bitch?” I really like that show. For one, Jason Lee is a great comic actor, but for another, who is not attracted to the idea that if you live your life right you are rewarded. Hell, Eastern religion or Western religion, the idea remains constant. Treat others as you would like to be treated, give and received tenfold, turn the other cheek, the meek inherit the earth.
As a representative of the meek, I have to say I’m not getting anything but a hard time. I’ve tried to practice the basic “do unto others” rules: I’ve been poor my whole life, but I’ve given to others; I have needs that aren’t met, but I put others’ needs before mine; I have not received love, but I’ve given love; I have been neglected, but I’ve sacrificed a great deal to take care of others. Despite continually striving to be a better person, and to be fair and to be giving, I’m in a position where I’m in therapy once a week, on two antidepressants, and once again close to being fired at a job I hate. It doesn’t seem like karmic justice to me.
Do I need to make a list? I know there are people I have wronged. I know I’m not perfect. Maybe I’ve wreaked karmic havoc on myself. I keep thinking of a song in Mel Brooks’ musical The Producers that Nathan Lane sings called “The King of Broadway.” It is very much inspired by Fiddler on the Roof, and describes how life used to be great and now it sucks, and he sings,
As a representative of the meek, I have to say I’m not getting anything but a hard time. I’ve tried to practice the basic “do unto others” rules: I’ve been poor my whole life, but I’ve given to others; I have needs that aren’t met, but I put others’ needs before mine; I have not received love, but I’ve given love; I have been neglected, but I’ve sacrificed a great deal to take care of others. Despite continually striving to be a better person, and to be fair and to be giving, I’m in a position where I’m in therapy once a week, on two antidepressants, and once again close to being fired at a job I hate. It doesn’t seem like karmic justice to me.
Do I need to make a list? I know there are people I have wronged. I know I’m not perfect. Maybe I’ve wreaked karmic havoc on myself. I keep thinking of a song in Mel Brooks’ musical The Producers that Nathan Lane sings called “The King of Broadway.” It is very much inspired by Fiddler on the Roof, and describes how life used to be great and now it sucks, and he sings,
“He was saying, when you're down and out, andTruly, who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town.
everybody thinks you're
finished,
that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,/"Who do you
have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Dear BL Letter
Dear Biggest Loser,
Please, re-figure in your wardrobe...there is no need to see bellies...men or women...there are plenty of shirts/sports bras that cover bellies...it isn't inspirational, it is just gross.
I don’t to look at my belly and I sure as hell don't want see one on TV!
Thanks!
A Viewer!
Please, re-figure in your wardrobe...there is no need to see bellies...men or women...there are plenty of shirts/sports bras that cover bellies...it isn't inspirational, it is just gross.
I don’t to look at my belly and I sure as hell don't want see one on TV!
Thanks!
A Viewer!
After examining my own life, I realized that I am plagued with emotional affairs with men. I am usually attracted to men I can't have or to men who are legally unavailable or unavailable because the love men or racially (because, sadly, between my redneck sister and my dad, no one would find the bodies).
Anyway, my good friend I worked with...we worked together for many years and we shared a lot of dislike for our work as well as the need for security that our employment provided. In order to live vicarasiouly through his wife, I would often volunteer to babysit when they needed a night out. I never really cared for his wife but I remained friendly with her because of him. She was never my typical friend and we both knew this...I even told her one time "you were lucky to find him, not many guys out there like him" when I really meant, "you were lucky to catch anyone, especially him..."
So, when she drove him into the nut house because she thought somehow she could do better than him and it sent him into an emotional tailspin, who did reach out to? Me. As soon as I realized that there was no way in hell I wanted to be saddled to emotional wreck with 4 kids, I told him so. It was the end to my first emotional affair with a married man...
My next emotional affair would have to be with my G@Y. My gay replaced any need for a man I might have...he didn't come out until I had known him for 10 years. In the bottom of my heart, I knew he was gay but I dreamed of him not being gay so I didn’t have to look for a man. In the end, people still thought we were married and he became my gay husband. I would still marry him tomorrow if he needed health insurance or I needed to leave someone money tax free. When we had a fight once, and didn’t speak for 10 months, it felt like I went through a divorce. I was depressed and heartbroken over this...and then he moved. I felt like we broke up all over again. I still have an emotional attachment to him because my friendship for all of these years.
My newest emotional affair is with my friend’s husband. I only knew who he *was* in high school and I know in never spoke to him...not once in high school. I had known his wife since we were 12. At the reunion, I went alone, so latched on to them. We became friendly and he introduced me to the *ungettable* guy from Jr.High. It was exciting to be friends with them because they were happily married and were a lot of fun to party with...then, the inevitable happened. The husband asked me if I wanted to join in their foursome and become a 5th...not a 5th of whiskey…a 5th party in their foursome with another couple! I wonder when they pick up my bar tab or my dinner, if I am on a date? hum...
Anyway, my good friend I worked with...we worked together for many years and we shared a lot of dislike for our work as well as the need for security that our employment provided. In order to live vicarasiouly through his wife, I would often volunteer to babysit when they needed a night out. I never really cared for his wife but I remained friendly with her because of him. She was never my typical friend and we both knew this...I even told her one time "you were lucky to find him, not many guys out there like him" when I really meant, "you were lucky to catch anyone, especially him..."
So, when she drove him into the nut house because she thought somehow she could do better than him and it sent him into an emotional tailspin, who did reach out to? Me. As soon as I realized that there was no way in hell I wanted to be saddled to emotional wreck with 4 kids, I told him so. It was the end to my first emotional affair with a married man...
My next emotional affair would have to be with my G@Y. My gay replaced any need for a man I might have...he didn't come out until I had known him for 10 years. In the bottom of my heart, I knew he was gay but I dreamed of him not being gay so I didn’t have to look for a man. In the end, people still thought we were married and he became my gay husband. I would still marry him tomorrow if he needed health insurance or I needed to leave someone money tax free. When we had a fight once, and didn’t speak for 10 months, it felt like I went through a divorce. I was depressed and heartbroken over this...and then he moved. I felt like we broke up all over again. I still have an emotional attachment to him because my friendship for all of these years.
My newest emotional affair is with my friend’s husband. I only knew who he *was* in high school and I know in never spoke to him...not once in high school. I had known his wife since we were 12. At the reunion, I went alone, so latched on to them. We became friendly and he introduced me to the *ungettable* guy from Jr.High. It was exciting to be friends with them because they were happily married and were a lot of fun to party with...then, the inevitable happened. The husband asked me if I wanted to join in their foursome and become a 5th...not a 5th of whiskey…a 5th party in their foursome with another couple! I wonder when they pick up my bar tab or my dinner, if I am on a date? hum...
Saturday, October 4, 2008
7-11 and the Ford Fiesta...
The funny thing that happened was when I went to buy a 6 pack of Bud Select. I was waiting in this hellacious line at 7-11. In the service world, gas stations and fast food might the lowest totem pole of the service industry. While in this long line, I get to observe the service worker in their natural habitat!
One guy is off of his shift at Taco Bell. From what I can tell, he must stop by the 7-11 to flirt with his cousins of the service industry. He said, "I need to wind down after 12 hours at Taco Bell."
The 7-11 girl goes "when did you move? I thought you worked at KFC?”"
Taco Bell Man, "Taco Bell offered me a lot more money. A LOT more money."
7-11 girl goes, "take it, man, take it."
As I was walking out with my 6 pack of Bud Select, I notice the only car left in the parking lot is a tiny white roller-skate, I mean Ford Fiesta. I was thinking that he must be at the top of the food chain because he has one of the most economical paid for cars in the whole Taco Bell parking lot! J
I hope he is saving his money from his new job at Taco Bell and doesn't blow it on the 7-11 girls!
One guy is off of his shift at Taco Bell. From what I can tell, he must stop by the 7-11 to flirt with his cousins of the service industry. He said, "I need to wind down after 12 hours at Taco Bell."
The 7-11 girl goes "when did you move? I thought you worked at KFC?”"
Taco Bell Man, "Taco Bell offered me a lot more money. A LOT more money."
7-11 girl goes, "take it, man, take it."
As I was walking out with my 6 pack of Bud Select, I notice the only car left in the parking lot is a tiny white roller-skate, I mean Ford Fiesta. I was thinking that he must be at the top of the food chain because he has one of the most economical paid for cars in the whole Taco Bell parking lot! J
I hope he is saving his money from his new job at Taco Bell and doesn't blow it on the 7-11 girls!
Oktoberfest '07
Since it is close to Oktoberfest time, I felt it was the *right time* to remember this incident...
Last year, I was invited to go to Oktoberfest with my friends in Tulsa. I ran into people I hadn’t seen in a 100 years or so. I was pumped because I was drinking beer, doing the chicken dance, and enjoying a cool evening with my friends.
When one drinks, beer especially, you have to pee. I left my friend Daniel at the tables to go in search of the port potties. I spot a super short line and needing to pee, I don’t care. I hover anyway, so, anything on the toilet, is irrelevelant. I don’t like to drag anything out on my boots but you know….sometimes that happens.
ANYWAY, it is my turn. Yes, the shortest line does work! :)
So, I run up to the unpleasant porta pottie. As I am exiting, this woman goes “Way to cut off a pregnant woman.” I look around and see no pregnant woman. After a few pitchers of beer with Daniel, I decide I need to ask her what she is talking about. I approach this woman who doesn’t come up to my shoulder. I go “Are you talking to me?” Thinking she must be an idiot to talk shit to me.
She says “you cut off a pregnant woman”
I say “why would a pregnant woman BE at the Oktoberfest? It was my turn” and I turn to walk away.
This woman shouts out “Well, at least I am married.”
Thinking to myself, I wonder what is *relevant* about being married to the porta potties. I walk up to this woman and point to the man next to her, “Is this your husband? “
She nods her head “Yes”.
I say, “Well, you couldn’t pay me to fuck your husband.”
The crowd surrounding us goes “ooohhhh” as I walk away.
FUCK that married bitch and her superior attitude about being married. Why did it matter that she was married and I wasn’t...one of life’s questions to ponder...
At least I got the last word for the 1st time in my life!
Last year, I was invited to go to Oktoberfest with my friends in Tulsa. I ran into people I hadn’t seen in a 100 years or so. I was pumped because I was drinking beer, doing the chicken dance, and enjoying a cool evening with my friends.
When one drinks, beer especially, you have to pee. I left my friend Daniel at the tables to go in search of the port potties. I spot a super short line and needing to pee, I don’t care. I hover anyway, so, anything on the toilet, is irrelevelant. I don’t like to drag anything out on my boots but you know….sometimes that happens.
ANYWAY, it is my turn. Yes, the shortest line does work! :)
So, I run up to the unpleasant porta pottie. As I am exiting, this woman goes “Way to cut off a pregnant woman.” I look around and see no pregnant woman. After a few pitchers of beer with Daniel, I decide I need to ask her what she is talking about. I approach this woman who doesn’t come up to my shoulder. I go “Are you talking to me?” Thinking she must be an idiot to talk shit to me.
She says “you cut off a pregnant woman”
I say “why would a pregnant woman BE at the Oktoberfest? It was my turn” and I turn to walk away.
This woman shouts out “Well, at least I am married.”
Thinking to myself, I wonder what is *relevant* about being married to the porta potties. I walk up to this woman and point to the man next to her, “Is this your husband? “
She nods her head “Yes”.
I say, “Well, you couldn’t pay me to fuck your husband.”
The crowd surrounding us goes “ooohhhh” as I walk away.
FUCK that married bitch and her superior attitude about being married. Why did it matter that she was married and I wasn’t...one of life’s questions to ponder...
At least I got the last word for the 1st time in my life!
My boring race story that I'm excited about
Let me preface this: i love to run, but my stamina's crappy because I don't eat. If I can get in 1000 calories a day, I'm doing great. So all week, in preparation for this race, I've been eating every meal, rounded meals, and testing out a new energy supplement. Also, due to shin splints, my training's been half-assed over the last few weeks. In fact, I haven't run much over the summer.
This morning my friends showed up at my house and we went to do the Race for the Cure. We couldn't find our team members, so I couldn't get my number or timing chip. My excitement about the race was matched by my disappointment in not being able to compete. I was actually on the verge of tears (yes, I'm a BIG BABY, but like I've said before....if I didn't run, I'd certainly be an alcoholic). I live for races.
After the gun went off, I was still hanging around the cheering section with my spectator friends. They began pushing me to go run despite my lack of a number or anything. I mean, hey....I paid for the race! I hesitated for a couple of minutes, then took the bait.
I got in behind about three trillion walkers and slowly worked my way up to the joggers, then worked my way up to the runners. I was slow and steady (by my standard), but passed several runners. When I saw a camera up ahead I looked at the number of the person next to me so I could still look at my picture online (2055). I finished the race without breaking much of a sweat. The easiest 5K I've ever run...it was like taking a walk. I guess I should've gone for speed, but at this point all i wanted was to finish without stopping. Yay, calorie intake and nutritional fore-thought!!!!!
When I got close to the finish line, I heard my friends yelling my name and cheering...I've never had anyone waiting for me at the finish line, so it made me so happy to see them! After I finished, I was still a little irritated that I didn't have a timing chip (even though I had the best run ever as far as stamina goes). My friend Jennifer came to meet me and said I was "booking it," that her friend who finished about a minute before me, finished at 34 minutes, and she started up front with the runners. That meant I was at 35 minutes, then....but I'd started late. So not only did I finish, but looks like I made good time. I'm very pleased. I accomplished something that I've never accomplished before. And it was so easy......!
This morning my friends showed up at my house and we went to do the Race for the Cure. We couldn't find our team members, so I couldn't get my number or timing chip. My excitement about the race was matched by my disappointment in not being able to compete. I was actually on the verge of tears (yes, I'm a BIG BABY, but like I've said before....if I didn't run, I'd certainly be an alcoholic). I live for races.
After the gun went off, I was still hanging around the cheering section with my spectator friends. They began pushing me to go run despite my lack of a number or anything. I mean, hey....I paid for the race! I hesitated for a couple of minutes, then took the bait.
I got in behind about three trillion walkers and slowly worked my way up to the joggers, then worked my way up to the runners. I was slow and steady (by my standard), but passed several runners. When I saw a camera up ahead I looked at the number of the person next to me so I could still look at my picture online (2055). I finished the race without breaking much of a sweat. The easiest 5K I've ever run...it was like taking a walk. I guess I should've gone for speed, but at this point all i wanted was to finish without stopping. Yay, calorie intake and nutritional fore-thought!!!!!
When I got close to the finish line, I heard my friends yelling my name and cheering...I've never had anyone waiting for me at the finish line, so it made me so happy to see them! After I finished, I was still a little irritated that I didn't have a timing chip (even though I had the best run ever as far as stamina goes). My friend Jennifer came to meet me and said I was "booking it," that her friend who finished about a minute before me, finished at 34 minutes, and she started up front with the runners. That meant I was at 35 minutes, then....but I'd started late. So not only did I finish, but looks like I made good time. I'm very pleased. I accomplished something that I've never accomplished before. And it was so easy......!
Friday, October 3, 2008
700 Gazillion dollars later. . .
They passed the thing. I'm pretty sure we're living through the end times. The combination of this bill and Sarah Palin has pushed me over the edge--from caring desperately to WTF. Seriously.
The debate was crazy, Palin recited talking points and was folksy and blah, blah, blah. I couldn't stand her. (By the way Republicans, get that woman a vocal coach pronto)
For them to pass this bill now, after they already voted it down is crazy. The only way they could pass a hugely controversial and high cost bill is to add more controversial and expensive tax earmarks.
If the Republicans win this year, I don't know if I can deal with that. People everywhere will have to form support groups to deal with it. Coffee and lemon bars and tears and support; that's what it will take if I have to live through another four years of Republican mistakes.
On the bright side, McCain stopped campaigning in Michigan; apparently he lost all hope for winning that state. Not just stopped some campaigning, the man stopped everything. That is a good sign.
The debate was crazy, Palin recited talking points and was folksy and blah, blah, blah. I couldn't stand her. (By the way Republicans, get that woman a vocal coach pronto)
For them to pass this bill now, after they already voted it down is crazy. The only way they could pass a hugely controversial and high cost bill is to add more controversial and expensive tax earmarks.
If the Republicans win this year, I don't know if I can deal with that. People everywhere will have to form support groups to deal with it. Coffee and lemon bars and tears and support; that's what it will take if I have to live through another four years of Republican mistakes.
On the bright side, McCain stopped campaigning in Michigan; apparently he lost all hope for winning that state. Not just stopped some campaigning, the man stopped everything. That is a good sign.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
SWF iso Contentment within Uncertainty
My boyfriend broke up with me. It's the first break up of my thirties, and the first time I didn't do the breaking up. I'm depressed, but feeling kind of positive. I know this is one of many in a long string of relationship failures, but my psychologist assured me that sure...I've got my issues like anyone else, but i manage them well enough to function in a healthy relationship. She told me to stop dating artists and musicians. Fortunately I have lots of different interests other than art and music.
Sometimes I feel negative, thinking of how past trends might indicate an entire future brimming with disappointments, lonely nights, third-wheelies, breakups, and heartbreaks. But sometimes I feel positive...that there's a great guy out there somewhere for me and I'm going to find him. I don't want to wait forever for it, but you know...I'd like to think it's going to happen someday.
Meanwhile I'm going to try to get over the "grieving process" over losing this last guy (he's a really good guy...he just wasn't ready for a relationship). And meanwhile I'm going to focus on being happy and content, learning to calm my terrible anxieties about dating, let life happen, and enjoy it. You know...stop worrying myself to emotional pieces about relationships.
Meanwhile, I'm going to try to decide what color of tile I want to put in the fireplace.
Sometimes I feel negative, thinking of how past trends might indicate an entire future brimming with disappointments, lonely nights, third-wheelies, breakups, and heartbreaks. But sometimes I feel positive...that there's a great guy out there somewhere for me and I'm going to find him. I don't want to wait forever for it, but you know...I'd like to think it's going to happen someday.
Meanwhile I'm going to try to get over the "grieving process" over losing this last guy (he's a really good guy...he just wasn't ready for a relationship). And meanwhile I'm going to focus on being happy and content, learning to calm my terrible anxieties about dating, let life happen, and enjoy it. You know...stop worrying myself to emotional pieces about relationships.
Meanwhile, I'm going to try to decide what color of tile I want to put in the fireplace.
Oh Lord Won’t you Buy me….
And if you’re Wall Street Fat Cat, don’t worry, Lord will buy you a Mercedes Benz, and a portfolio package, a 3rd home in the Hamptons, and a golden parachute for when you’ve run your company into the ground. And where does Lord get this money? Why from his loyal subjects the tax payers of course. Silly little peons. They are not worthy of cloud Olympus. They merely toil in the dirt and owe us everything.
Whatever! I’m so sick of this Republican attitude that they’re better then everyone.
How about instead of this trickle down crap which hasn’t worked once, not since Regan’s brain team dreamed it up, why don’t we try some trickle up economics?
For example, lets take a random number, say $700 billion? We could giver all 300 million Americans $2,333.33. Or we could give everyone who pays taxes (16 and above and only contributing tax payers) about $3,500 each. Or we could have a lotto and 700,000 lucky Americans (with the stipulations that their HHI be less than $250,000 per year and only 1 winner per house hold) could win $1million each. I would be happy with any and all of these trickle up rescue packages.
I am NOT for any package that rewards criminal behavior, that takes away the consequences of risk, or subjects innocent people to be responsible for the mistakes of others.
I can’t believe President Bush is asking us to trust him with $700 billion? Seriously? For what? To buy WMDs? Oh no wait that was the last debacle.
And I’m sorry but who is Henry Paulson? Show of hands for anyone who has heard of him before last week? Bueler, Bueler? Right, and we should trust him why? His credentials are what? Like the first FEMA guy? Does he come from Arabian Horse something? Just checking.
And just another thought to ponder, show of hands who knew someone affected by Katrina? Ike? Floods earlier this summer? Yep, me too, I know someone for all those natural disasters. Ok, now show of hands who knows someone who can’t get a car/mortgage/student loan now? Bueler, Bueler? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And again for anyone who knows anyone who is losing their job if this free money to rich people bill doesn’t get passed? Anyone? Bueler, Bueler? Uh huh. Just as I suspected. Ok, so the plan is to spend $700billion on what affecting who and we only spent how much combined on natural disaster? Mmm…hmmm.. I’m just saying.
Whatever! I’m so sick of this Republican attitude that they’re better then everyone.
How about instead of this trickle down crap which hasn’t worked once, not since Regan’s brain team dreamed it up, why don’t we try some trickle up economics?
For example, lets take a random number, say $700 billion? We could giver all 300 million Americans $2,333.33. Or we could give everyone who pays taxes (16 and above and only contributing tax payers) about $3,500 each. Or we could have a lotto and 700,000 lucky Americans (with the stipulations that their HHI be less than $250,000 per year and only 1 winner per house hold) could win $1million each. I would be happy with any and all of these trickle up rescue packages.
I am NOT for any package that rewards criminal behavior, that takes away the consequences of risk, or subjects innocent people to be responsible for the mistakes of others.
I can’t believe President Bush is asking us to trust him with $700 billion? Seriously? For what? To buy WMDs? Oh no wait that was the last debacle.
And I’m sorry but who is Henry Paulson? Show of hands for anyone who has heard of him before last week? Bueler, Bueler? Right, and we should trust him why? His credentials are what? Like the first FEMA guy? Does he come from Arabian Horse something? Just checking.
And just another thought to ponder, show of hands who knew someone affected by Katrina? Ike? Floods earlier this summer? Yep, me too, I know someone for all those natural disasters. Ok, now show of hands who knows someone who can’t get a car/mortgage/student loan now? Bueler, Bueler? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And again for anyone who knows anyone who is losing their job if this free money to rich people bill doesn’t get passed? Anyone? Bueler, Bueler? Uh huh. Just as I suspected. Ok, so the plan is to spend $700billion on what affecting who and we only spent how much combined on natural disaster? Mmm…hmmm.. I’m just saying.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Pool Party
My friends bought a new house with a pool. I thought it was exciting and I was excited when they asked me over to swim. I love to swim in a home pool because I worked at a public pool and saw how gross people can be. They said “come over for some cards and swimming”. So, loaded up my 12 pack of Miller Lite, suit and some towels and headed over to their house.
I knew there would be another couple there to play cards and it would be an overall good time. They were making Jell-O Shots? Who can resist?
We started out playing a few rounds of Asshole and have a few shots. I really want to swim so we all head out to the pool. We take our drinks with us.
As we are swimming, all of us run out of drinks. The boys take turns refilling. The owners were concerned about everyone jumping out of the pool to pee. Next think I know, no one is swimming any longer but all of the couples have paired off. Now, I am alone, the water is getting colder and very aware of the vicious pairing off. So, might as well some water aerobics and stretch out. I swim toward the stairs and I am trying to decide if I should go home or not. All of the couples had retired to the jets around the pool.
I get to stairs and I notice a non alcoholic bottle. After closer examination, I see it is an industrial size bottle of lube. OMG! WTF is that….and why is it on the edge of the pool? One of the guys from the couples swims up and says “Can we have the stairs?”
“yes. It is too cold to stay in the water…” I got up, went inside, put on my cover up and left without saying goodbye.
So, the when I saw them again, the guy who asked for the stairs told me that it was a *test* to see what I would do. It was a test I was happy to fail. Then, he proceeded to tell me that if he had met me first, we would be married. I felt sorrier for my friend for being married to him and thinking that I would not want to be married to him! I knew he was trying to seduce me to become a 5th in their foursome!
I knew there would be another couple there to play cards and it would be an overall good time. They were making Jell-O Shots? Who can resist?
We started out playing a few rounds of Asshole and have a few shots. I really want to swim so we all head out to the pool. We take our drinks with us.
As we are swimming, all of us run out of drinks. The boys take turns refilling. The owners were concerned about everyone jumping out of the pool to pee. Next think I know, no one is swimming any longer but all of the couples have paired off. Now, I am alone, the water is getting colder and very aware of the vicious pairing off. So, might as well some water aerobics and stretch out. I swim toward the stairs and I am trying to decide if I should go home or not. All of the couples had retired to the jets around the pool.
I get to stairs and I notice a non alcoholic bottle. After closer examination, I see it is an industrial size bottle of lube. OMG! WTF is that….and why is it on the edge of the pool? One of the guys from the couples swims up and says “Can we have the stairs?”
“yes. It is too cold to stay in the water…” I got up, went inside, put on my cover up and left without saying goodbye.
So, the when I saw them again, the guy who asked for the stairs told me that it was a *test* to see what I would do. It was a test I was happy to fail. Then, he proceeded to tell me that if he had met me first, we would be married. I felt sorrier for my friend for being married to him and thinking that I would not want to be married to him! I knew he was trying to seduce me to become a 5th in their foursome!
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