Not as focused as I had planned. . .

Perhaps I don’t understand the ways of Karma. Wasn’t it Earl (of My Name is Earl, not Squidbillies) that said, “Karma is a bitch?” I really like that show. For one, Jason Lee is a great comic actor, but for another, who is not attracted to the idea that if you live your life right you are rewarded. Hell, Eastern religion or Western religion, the idea remains constant. Treat others as you would like to be treated, give and received tenfold, turn the other cheek, the meek inherit the earth.

As a representative of the meek, I have to say I’m not getting anything but a hard time. I’ve tried to practice the basic “do unto others” rules: I’ve been poor my whole life, but I’ve given to others; I have needs that aren’t met, but I put others’ needs before mine; I have not received love, but I’ve given love; I have been neglected, but I’ve sacrificed a great deal to take care of others. Despite continually striving to be a better person, and to be fair and to be giving, I’m in a position where I’m in therapy once a week, on two antidepressants, and once again close to being fired at a job I hate. It doesn’t seem like karmic justice to me.

Do I need to make a list? I know there are people I have wronged. I know I’m not perfect. Maybe I’ve wreaked karmic havoc on myself. I keep thinking of a song in Mel Brooks’ musical The Producers that Nathan Lane sings called “The King of Broadway.” It is very much inspired by Fiddler on the Roof, and describes how life used to be great and now it sucks, and he sings,

“He was saying, when you're down and out, and
everybody thinks you're
finished,
that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,/"Who do you
have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"

Truly, who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town.